Missing Her
by Aleka
Summary: A grieving family moves to Castle Rock. The lonely son and the heartbroken daughter try to keep their family together, and in the process make some friends. *Somewhat of a sequel to I'll Stand By You* Now Complete!
1. The New Guy

Sam McRoyan, a taller-than-average seventeen-year-old boy with heartbreaker good looks tried unsuccessfully to fight the furious flush spreading across his cheeks. He clutched the strap of his knapsack tightly, and he made his way to the seat his new teacher had pointed to, trying to be as quick and as inconspicuous as possible.

The girl sitting next to him stared at him with a bored curiosity. He smiled slightly and nodded by way of greeting, at this point quite positive that he was going to die of an aneurysm induced by excessive blushing. 

Sam hated being the new kid. Everyone was waiting for him to both do something stupid and be the loser for the rest of the year, or do something commendable so the cool kids would accept him. Usually, Sam had an effortless charm that he could easily win people over with, and he'd been one of the rare liked-by-everyone popular people at his old school. But that had been in Portland, and this was Castle Rock. And the thing was, he didn't have enough energy to care. 

His thoughts were interrupted by his new Algebra class' groans of resentment as Mr. Levin said there were just a few notes he wanted them to take down. Silently, he flipped to the first page of his brand spanking new coil notebook, and then searched through a pocket in his bag for a pen. _Crap, _he thought. He'd remembered everything from the banana in his lunch to clean gym socks but he'd forgotten to bring a writing utensil to school. He gently tapped the skinny boy's shoulder sitting in front of him. "Sorry, do you have a pen I could borrow?"

The guy looked at him for a moment, not sizing him up appraisingly, just studying him. "Nope," he said at last. "I just have one. It's in use. Just a second." He turned around in his creaky desk. "Chris, got a spare pen?"

Sam watched as the second boy, Chris, nodded wordlessly and then sailed a blue pen onto his friend's desk. He turned sideways in his seat with a smile. "Don't try anything funny with my pen, Gordie."

"It's not for me, you pervert," Gordie shot back. "It's for him."

"Oh." Chris nodded to Sam impersonally, however not impolitely. "Well, good luck with that pen, you might need to shake it a bit to get it to work. Sam, right?"

"Yeah." He tried to make eye contact, but he had been suddenly afflicted with a case of the shys. "Thanks."

When Gordie turned back around to jot down the notes Mr. Levin was busy scrawling down on the chalkboard, Sam felt lonely, and he wished he had a friend. 


	2. Mother

At lunch, Sam's eyes searched the cafeteria, panicking when he couldn't spot her. 

"Sammy," the familiar high voice called. "I'm right here, let's sit down so I can eat."

"Oh, God forbid we waste any of your beloved eating time," he said sarcastically, but was overwhelmingly relieved he had found his sister, otherwise he would have had to eat his lunch alone. 

Siting across from her, he was suddenly amazed at how much she had grown into her looks. It seemed like it was an overnight change. Now she looked notably like him, if you ignored the fact that she looked like a girl. Similar to him, her dark chestnut hair was a fairly flattering contrast to her pale skin, and her eyes were a kind blue. She still had what their father had referred to as baby fat, but she would soon grow out of it, just as Sam had. Still, she was not quite a head-turner as her brother was. Her face was still too young to be striking.

"Mattie, slow down before you choke and die," he told her with arrogant big brother superiority. "Another death in the family might cause Dad to pack the rest of us into another U-Haul and take us to an even smaller hick town."

Mattie looked up at him, her teeth clamped greedily around her cheese and lettuce sandwich. A lettuce leaf fell to the table, and she averted her eyes back down. "Your attempt at being funny didn't amuse me."

"Sorry." He knew that he had just said the wrong thing. He did that a lot, but no one ever got used to the things he said sometimes even though usually he didn't mean them in a hurtful way. "How's your day going? Anyone as smart as you?"

"It's too early to tell," she said, a small smile brightening her face. 

"Got any crushes yet?" he asked. Mattie was sixteen and had a bit of an obsession with the opposite sex.

"Nope, not yet," she said. "Looks like slim pickings so far."

"Is everyone nice to you?"

"As can be," she said, and when he gave her a questioning look, she just shrugged. "No one goes out of their way, but at least no one has like, pulled my hair or anything."

Sam grinned his trademark eye-capturing smile. "Oh yeah, you gotta keep an eye out for those damn hair-pullers."

"I always do," she assured him, taking a big bite of her sandwich, and then hacked. 

"Ahahaha you choked," Sam laughed.

The rest of the day went smoothly, although there was nothing very enjoyable about it, and neither Sam nor Mattie were saddened when the final bell sounded. 

The house on the corner of Asher Avenue was their home now, even though it was a little smaller than their old house, and it was in desperate need of a fresh paint job. Sam still could not shake off the feeling of loneliness and foreignness when he stepped through the door into the foyer, taking in the rich smell of dinner. 

"Take off your shoes! If anyone tracks mud into this house, there will be serious hell to pay!" Mr. McRoyan yelled from the kitchen.

Rolling her eyes and hanging her jacket up in the closet, Mattie muttered, "No, we haven't learned how to take off our own shoes, what a preposterous idea." She had already slipped her black loafers off. 

"You're _home!" _Will, the youngest of the McRoyan clan exclaimed. "Wanna hear about my _day?_"

Painting a large smile on her face, Mattie nodded enthusiastically and hoisted the six-year-old up in her arms and resting him on her hip. "I've been waiting all day to hear about it!" she told him. 

Mattie was the only girl in the family, and had grown up in the midst of four brothers. Even though she was close to each of her brothers, she had a special soft spot for Will. She didn't love anything in the world the way she loved him. 

"Did you know they let turtles in schools?" 

"What does a turtle need to go to school for?" she asked him, walking down the hallway with him towards the kitchen so she could say hello to her father. 

"Well I don't know but his name is Scooter and every weekend someone new gets to take him home with them to take care of but you have to feed him or else he'll die."

"I never would have guessed," she laughed, although she dreaded the day that Scooter came home with Will. Green things were not to be trusted as far as she was concerned. "Make any new friends?"

"Yep but there's this one girl named Cassie who stole my dump truck and made me mad and I don't like her, but not everyone's mean like her."

With Mattie and Will gone, Sam was alone again. He kicked his shoes off into the closet, suddenly feeling sick in his stomach with the sudden ache of grief and desolation. He wished so hard that he could just shake this feeling off and that he could go back to living instead of going through the motions like a zombie. How long had it been since the accident? Two weeks? He couldn't even remember. The days sort of bled together. Maybe if he could make some friends and get out a little more, he wouldn't miss his mom so much. He decided that tomorrow he would be more friendly. Those guys in Algebra didn't seem like a bad start. Not that he could remember their names anymore of course. 

"Stop touching me!"

"I'm not touching you, I'm touching your shirt!" 

The yelling descended down the stairs in the form of the other two brothers. Nicky had something smeared all over his hands and face, and was poking Simon repeatedly in the back. Simon, a boy who didn't seem to know how a smile worked, looked even gloomier than usual. 

"Nicky, Nicky, Nicky, I think Simon is angry and I think you may have had a hand in his anger," Sam said, putting him into a headlock and holding him back as they passed, letting Simon pass. "What on God's green earth do you have all over you? I hope that's chocolate."

"It's _not_," Simon called. 

"Okay, well then, I'm not going to ask anymore questions. Wash up before Dad kicks your ass all the way to Canada."

"What's a Canada?"

"It's where little eight-year-old boys like yourself get their asses kicked to. Beavers live there too. I'm sure you don't want to live in the land of beavers and sore-assed little boys, now do you?" Sam smiled down at him and mussed up his hair. When Nicky had slammed the door to the bathroom and he heard the tap turn on, Sam looked to Simon. "How did your first day go, Simon?"

"Okay," he said back.

"Is your teacher nice?"

"Yeah." Simon's enigmatic stance turned defensive, and he glared up at his oldest brother. "Yeah, the teachers are real nice and the kids are real nice and everyone in this town is real nice."

"Then why are you grumpy? Do you need a little nap?"

"Go screw a dog, Sam."

"My pleasure, Simon, I wish you luck making new friends. With that endearing attitude of yours everyone in sixth grade is gonna want to be your best friend, I can guarantee you that."

"Simon?" their dad called. "If you want to set the table, we can start eating, please."

"I'm not hungry," he snapped.

Mattie's out of place soprano voice came floating from the kitchen, tinged with concern. "Simon, you've gotta eat sometimes. You'll waste away if you don't start eating more."

"I said I'm not hungry, _Mother._" Content with the hurt silence that fell over everyone in the house, Simon climbed up the stairs again. 

Sam entered the kitchen on weak, numb legs to see Will perched on Mattie's back, playing with her hair. "Mattie, sing the bumblebee song," he said, unscathed by Simon's cruelty. He was six, Sam reminded himself. He didn't understand. He still thought that their Mom was coming home.

"Wash up for dinner, Will," Sam told him.

"Giddyup?" Will's tiny baby hands were still in a death lock around Mattie's neck. 

Sam pried him away from her and set him on the floor. "Giddyoff."

Mattie hadn't turned around or made any sound. She stood unmoving at the counter, looking like a fragile autumn leaf; about to fall. Sam went to touch her hair, touch her arm, just do something to make her feel better, but didn't. Mattie was a big girl, and she didn't need any help from her brother. 

Dinner was silent and pointless. The food was barely touched. After about ten minutes, Mr. McRoyan, his voice gruff, said, "I'm going to the office. Mattie, you get the boys to bed on time." He left the table. 

"Why does Dad go to his office so much?" Will asked. 

"He doesn't even have an office, stupid," Nicky said. At that moment, Sam prayed that Nicky wasn't developing a chip on his shoulder like Simon. "He goes out to drink. He just calls it the office because he thinks we're dumb."

"He must drink a lot," Will observed. "I get tummy aches when I drink too much."

"Will…" Sam wanted to explain that their father wasn't out drinking apple juice, but stopped himself. Will might as well stay innocent while he was still able to. If he wanted to believe that mothers never died and that fathers drank apple juice in their make believe offices, Sam would let him. He looked at his sister, who had tears swimming in her eyes. Again, he said nothing, and he felt so stupid. He was supposed to be the oldest, but he just walked around the house like a ghost, not doing anything for anyone. He wouldn't even say anything to his little sister so she wouldn't cry.

"Mattie, your turn to wash the dishes," Nicky announced. 

"I'll do it," Sam said. "Mattie has homework."

"No I don't--" she began to say, but a look from Sam silenced her. 

Mattie cried in bed that night and so did Sam. 


	3. Paper Airplane

"Gordie Lachance," Ms. Evie droned and paused for about a second. "Gordon Lachance?"

"Ah, sorry, Ms. Evie, I'm here."

"Perk up, boy," she said, and the class giggled. She gave them a reprimanding look, then continued down the list. "Mary McRoyan?"

"Present."

"You're the new addition, aren't you, Miss McRoyan?"

"I am."

Roll call. This class wasn't too big, so it would go by quickly. Ms. Evie's lack of enthusiasm however wasn't helping. Mattie prayed that the woman didn't run her Creative Writing class like this. She'd never get anything out of the class if the teacher wasn't even enjoying it. She also hoped that it wouldn't be too hard a class. As far as she knew, she was the only eleventh grade student among twelfth grades. 

Later, Ms. Evie handed back a stack of papers that she apparently wasn't very impressed with. She announced that the rest of the class would be devoted to making a list of alternatives to the word "said." Evidently, "said" had been a key word in the class' vocabulary when they had written a short prose piece. 

"Miss McRoyan, you may pull your desk up next to Mr. Lachance's since you don't have a paper that I didn't like. I'm going to use the ladies room, so I don't want to hear a peep from any of you."

Mattie did as she said, sliding her desk next to the Lachance guy, a boy with big, sad eyes and mousey brown hair. He had a sensitive, gentle look about him, and she felt like she could trust him immediately. 

When Ms. Evie was out of sight, the boy said, "Ms. Evie's sentence would translate to 'I'm going out for a smoke, you can be jackasses all you want but you'd better be looking innocent when I get back.'"

Mattie grinned. "I'll remember that."

"I'm Gordie. Are you Sam McRoyan's sister?"

"Yep. I'm Mattie."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was Mary."

Smiling, and rubbing at a mark on her desk with the pencil on her eraser, she shook her head. "No. Well, yeah, it is, but I go by Mattie. When Sammy and I were little, he pronounced my name Mattie and it just stuck."

"Your brother seems nice," Gordie said, because it was the right thing to say and it was all he could think of.

"Most of them time, he is."

"Where are you from?" he asked her. He was usually shy, but his shyness was especially pronounced at the moment. All intelligent thoughts seemed to have been erased just by looking at this girl. "And why would you come to Castle Rock? It's a hole in the ground."

"I'm from Portland," she said, that smile no longer lighting up her face. Now she just looked dark. "My mom just died and my grandma lives here and my dad wanted to be close to his mother, so now we're here."

__

Don't say 'I'm sorry,' Gordie pleaded with himself in his mind, knowing that those two words were the most inadequate words in the dictionary. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said softly. 

"Yep, you and everyone else." She exhaled raggedly and smiled again, but it looked painful. "Muttered."

"What?"

"That's another word for said."

"Yes it is, what a smart girl you are," he laughed. "My brother died a couple of years ago. It's really bad, but you eventually get better." He fleetingly met her in the eye and then wrote down the word 'muttered.' "But that's just me."

"And 'called.' That's another one." Glancing out the door and into the hallway, and seeing Ms. Evie approaching, she said, "That's very nice of you to say, Gordie."

A paper airplane flew past Mattie and poked Gordie in the eye. He yelled, "Alright, dammit, who am I killing?" He looked down at Mattie and said, "Sorry for the language." His mother had said that gentlemen don't swear in front of girls. 

"Gordon Lachance," Ms. Evie shouted. Mattie could tell by the raspiness in her voice that she had been a smoker for a long time. "May I ask what you are doing?"

"Yes. This paper airplane flew into my eye and it hurt."

"You don't say. And who threw it?"

"Beats me."

"Maybe you'd like to stay after school to think about it?"

"With you? I would rather not." A pink blush coloured the apples of his cheeks. "I mean, no, thank you, ma'am."

Ms. Evie left it at that. Mattie grinned at Gordie. "Courage under fire," she whispered, giggling. 

"Miss McRoyan, did something amuse you?" 

"Yes." She giggled again and said, "No, I meant no, I am not amused."  



	4. Blue Point Diner

Sam lay flat on his back that Friday night, staring up at the ceiling with the blanket drawn up to his chest. He had gone to bed too early and now he couldn't sleep, but it was better than having to be with what was left of his stupid family. He was so tired of them. As he listened to Mattie and Simon fight out in the hallway, he wondered where his mom was and if she was okay. He believed in heaven and that she had been good enough to go there. 

__

So why isn't she watching over me? He thought angrily, not wanting to cry but knowing he would._ Why do I still feel like this? She wouldn't want me to wish I was dead so why do I?_

"That's right, why don't you ram your head up your ass a little further, Simon," Mattie barked, and Sam smiled in the dark, despite the warm tear that was rolling down his cheek. His sister had the worst potty mouth out of all the girls he'd ever known. Actually, she was on the only female potty mouth he'd even known, besides their mother. 

"Stop trying to tell me what to do!" Simon yelled. "You're not Mom and you never will be and I don't have to listen to a word that comes out of your goddamn mouth!"

Sam heard a sharp smack, and it took him some time to figure out that Mattie had slapped him. 

"Mom never raised you to be like this," Mattie growled, and it was obvious by the waver and the absolute sadness in her little voice that she had started to cry. Sam bet Simon probably enjoyed that he had been able to bring his older sister to tears. "You're lucky she isn't here to see you acting like such a spoiled brat."

"Don't touch me again."

"I'm sorry," she said genuinely. "You're just making this hard on everyone and it already sucks really badly as it is and I just hope you know how selfish you're being."

"Oh, take a look in the mirror," he spat back. "Screw you Mattie."

"Thank you very much, Simon."

Sam came out into the hallway where they had been fighting to see Simon retreating into his room and slamming the door shut behind him like some sort of pissed off bravado.

"Gross," Mattie said, furtively scrubbing at her eyes. "Put a shirt on."

"You okay?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Nothing like a girl looking at you in horror and disgust to make you feel self-conscious. 

"Yeah, I'm good," she said automatically.

"Good," he said back, even though he didn't believe her for a second. "Hey, it's a Friday night. What the hell are we doing at home?"

"Uh, babysitting our brothers?"

"They're in bed. Come on. I haven't been formally introduced to Castle Rock yet." He ducked back into his bedroom for a moment, then came back, this time fully clothed. Pulling her along by the arm, he passed by Simon's room and pounded on the door. "We're going out. Don't kill Will or Nicky."

As it turned out, there wasn't a whole lot in Castle Rock to be introduced to. Tired of walking around with nothing to spark their interests, Sam and Mattie went into the Blue Point Diner, where a bunch of cars were parked. 

The teenage population in Castle Rock, Oregon was small. And it seemed like they were all in the diner that night, laughing or eating or flirting or a combination of all three. Sam felt nostalgic and jealous. Back at home, this would have been his crowd and he would have been the centre of attention. He'd have his arm around Carrie McDaniel and other girls would be jealous and his friends would be joking about what her and Sam would be doing on their ride home. Carrie would act all offended but she'd secretly enjoy it. To be Sam McRoyan's steady girlfriend and to have people think that--

"Hey, dumbass, where do you want to sit?" Mattie asked. Judging by her impatience, she had probably asked a few times. 

"Sorry, uh, back corner booth there," he said and followed her as she weaved her way around a couple standing around and making out. 

"Good Lord," she muttered. They sat down, and almost immediately a blond woman in a canary yellow waitress uniform approached the table to take their orders. 

When she returned, placed their order, which was two root beers, on the table and then scurried away, Sam scowled. "Thunderjugs forgot our straws. Will you go get us some please?"

Mattie shot her brother an annoyed look, but did as she was told. But when she got to the front counter, she found the napkin dispenser and no straw dispenser. 

"World's going to hell in a hand basket, no straws, what the hell…" She continued to mutter to herself, still deep in her search when a guy in his early twenties or so put a hand on her shoulder, two straws in his hand. 

"Looking for these?" he asked. 

Mattie gazed up at him. His boyish looks could help him pass as an 18-year-old, but his rich, deep voice begged to differ. "Uhhschmuh?" She winced, feeling a blush spread across her face. "I mean thanks! How did you know I need two though?"

"Well," he said. "I figured that either you were here with your boyfriend, and he too would need a straw. Or if you weren't, then you wouldn't mind joining me. Then that extra straw wouldn't go to waste."

"Oh, I don't have a boyfriend, I've only lived here for a week, and I'm here with my brother, I'm Mattie."

Smiling smoothly, he said, "Mattie, I'm Ace. I kinda had a hunch you were new in town. I'd remember seeing your face otherwise."

Feeling her knees tremble as she turned into mush as she usually did at a romantic line, no matter how corny, she returned the smile and completely forgot about Sam. 

"Mattie McRoyan, what a pleasant surprise! Come with me now," a new voice said, and a pair of hands took her by the shoulders, leading her away. 

"Gordie?" she said. "Hi? What are you doing? Hi, who's your friend?"

Gordie Lachance grinned at her, and so did the boy he was with. "That's Chris. Where are you sitting? Were you with someone?"

"Oh, um, just Sam. I'm with my brother. At the back."

Mattie watched, a little resentfully, as Gordie and his very nice looking friend Chris went up to the table Sam was sitting at. 

"Hey, Sammy, would you care to shove a cheek over so I can sit down?" Chris asked, and Sam, looking confused, moved over for him. Gordie and Mattie sat on the other side. 

Mattie passed a straw to her brother. He accepted, took a long drink from his root beer, which had lost its fizz by now, staring in amazement at her. "We've been here for three minutes and you've already picked up a couple of guys."

"That's right," she said. "Never forget the power of my appeal, Sam."

"Sorry for being invasive," Gordie said. "We were just rescuing your little sister."

"Was she playing in traffic again?" he asked. 

Chris grinned. "What is traffic? I've never heard of such a thing. Traffic. Sounds new and exciting."

Giggling, Mattie smiled at him. "It's something you don't experience in little towns such as this one."

"Do you know who Ace Merrill is?" Gordie asked them. 

"Ooh, blond?" Mattie demanded. "Oy, yes, I know of him. Holy wow."

"Stay far, far away from him," he said, not paying Mattie any attention when she glared at him. "He's not a very nice young man."

"Sure he is!" she cried. "He gave me straws! And he said I had an unforgettable face! Or something to that effect. Anyway, I enjoyed his talking to me."

Sam looked at her impatiently. "Mattie, no one cares. You're a girl and you're flighty. Your opinion is never taken seriously."

"Dicksnacker," she grumbled under her breath. Chris snickered, keeping his eyes down focused on the table. 

"Mattie," Gordie drawled playfully. "Since you're new, I'm taking it upon myself to order you around because you're impressionable. That Ace guy is trouble."

"Blah," she said dismissively. 

"Mattie, don't be rude," Sam snapped. "If…uh, whatshisname says not to get involved with Ace, then listen to him. He knows a lot more than you do."

"At least I know whathisname's name," she shot back.

Sam smiled widely. "Gordie! I knew it would come to me eventually."

Chris nodded towards the Coca-Cola clock hanging crookedly on the wall. "Hey, Gordie, it's just about 10. We have to move if we're gonna make the movie on time."

"Oh, right," Gordie muttered. He looked at Mattie, and without him asking her, she stood up so that he could get out of the booth. "Sorry. There's a Bogie double feature tonight."

"Which movies?" Sam asked, curiosity winning over his shyness.

"Maltese Falcon," Chris said, smiling. "And Casablanca, but I figure it's worth the money to get to see Maltese Falcon."

"You speak poorly of Casablanca?" Mattie asked, shocked. 

"Sorry, sweetheart." Gordie attempted a Humphrey Bogart impression, but it came out sounding more like Foghorn Leghorn, which caused Mattie to begin to laugh uncontrollably. 

Sam glanced at his sister as if embarrassed by her, and then looked up at Gordie and Chris apologetically. 

"Oh, it wasn't that funny," Gordie grumbled. "I was going to ask you guys if you wanted to come with us because I have money to burn from raking leaves for Mr. Henderson, but now I'm not going to ask. Unless you want to of course."

"I don't think I want to go anywhere with her," Sam said. 

Grinning, Chris told him, "No one said we had to sit with her."


	5. Bogey

****

Apparently, there weren't a whole lot of Humphrey Bogart fans out and about that night. Besides Sam, Mattie, Chris and Gordie, the only other people in line for tickets was an elderly couple, one of which was practically deaf, and the other barely tall enough to see over the counter. 

Sam and Chris had discovered that they had a love for boxing in common and they talked animatedly as if they had been best friends forever rather than acquaintances that had spoken less than thirty words to each other. 

"Are you shitting me?" Chris demanded. "Albini looks about ready to die let alone win his next one."

"Oh, you've lived in a town with like one toilet all your life, what do you know?" Sam teased. 

"There's more than one toilet here, you retard." Chris smirked slightly. "Good God, you'd think you'd just dropped here out of heaven instead of coming here in a station wagon from Portland."

Gordie and Mattie stood awkwardly beside them, feeling thoroughly left out. Gordie struggled to come up with a good conversation starter, but all he could come up with was 'Read any good books lately?' and 'What's the grass like where you come from?' 

Suddenly, Mattie said, "So, how much did you bring?"

"How much what?" Gordie asked, in a rather dumb voice. This time he sounded a bit like Goofy. 

"Opium," she said, giggling. "How much money? You said you had money to burn."

He grinned, somewhat bashfully. "Sorry, I guess it takes time to adjust to my slowness. Seven dollars."

"Wow, you could even buy me popcorn," she said, with a lightly mocking smile. 

"I could, but I'm not going to," he shot back, mirroring her smile. 

She pretended to look deflated and defeated. "I didn't think so," she sighed, but that smile never faded. 

The old couple ahead of them got their tickets and waddled off, hand in hand. Mattie couldn't help but watch them. She felt a little pang of sappiness. Someday, she hoped, she'd get old with the person who she loved even though he was pretty much deaf and who loved her even though she'd shrunk to the height of a fourth-grader. 

She hadn't being paying attention while Gordie paid for his movie ticket. When she snapped out of her thoughts, she saw him balancing two bags of popcorn in each arm, holding out a slip of paper to her. "Hurry up, take it before I drop something," he told her tersely. 

"Gordie," she said, her eyes going wide. She felt a tenderness suddenly for this boy that she hardly even knew. The feeling didn't go as far as infatuation or even a tiny crush, she just knew that she felt a little twinge of something sweet towards him. "I was just kidding! You didn't have--why did you--"

"I told you, I had money to burn and so I burned it on you," he said distractedly. "Take your damn stuff or it's going on the floor."

The guys barely made it through the first movie, Casablanca, without getting up, running out of the building, screaming, but they endured. Mattie, however, loved it, and they all teased her when she got tears in her eyes at the end. She'd seen it before, each time with her girl friends, but seeing it in this new place with these new people made it different somehow, and it was somehow more sad.

Then, it was Mattie's turn to barely make it to the end of the next movie without killing herself. Maltese Falcon, now there was a real gem. It pleased Sam in some strange way that he shared the same first name as the main character, but to Mattie, it was a stupid boy movie. There was practically zero romance in it, and it was just a guy who thought he was all that and a bag of chips for wearing a detective hat and saying the word "gumshoe." 

"Hokey-doodle, what a ripsnorter THAT was," Mattie said sarcastically when they left the theatre, and began walking down the dark sidewalk with no particular destination. 

"I'll say," Sam gushed, not catching onto his sister's blatant sarcasm. "I have to go see that again. Maybe I'll take Will with me, he's been bugging me about taking him places."

"No, don't fill his mind with that crap!" Mattie cried. "He's so cute! I don't want him running around going 'she was a feisty dame,' or whatever! I kinda stopped paying attention after awhile."

Munching on Mattie's popcorn because he'd finished his own during the first movie and Mattie had gotten full and gave it to him, Gordie looked thoughtful. "So, is this alleged 'Will' character a brother of yours?"

Mattie giggled. "Yeah, he's my best friend. He's six. I don't like any of my other brothers because they're all mean to me. But Will makes me laugh quite frequently."

"How many more brothers do you have?" he asked, pleased that he had started a conversation that flowed easily. 

Sneaking some of his popcorn and popping the handful into her mouth, Mattie's eyes crinkled happily in response to his glare. "Two more. Nicky is tolerable but he's eight, and eight-year-olds are really irritating. And then Simon is twelve, and he's a little jackass."

"Oh don't do that, Mattie," Sam scolded. "He's dealing with it in his own way, albeit it's a shitty way, but it's not really his fault. It's not like he's had a whole lot of experience in the whole losing-a-mother area."

"Neither have we, but we're pretty well adjusted," she grumbled. 

Sam just raised an eyebrow at her, as if begging to differ with what she had said.

"Hey, Gordo, toss me some popcorn," Chris called. He was walking alongside Sam ahead of Gordie and Mattie. He tried to catch the flying popcorn with his mouth, but it felt to the ground and he stepped on it. "Dammit. Just give me a handful."

"Take the rest," Gordie offered, holding out the bag to him. "I'm done."

This news of generosity appeared to delight Chris. He gobbled the remainder of the popcorn, and Mattie was alarmed when she realized that he reminded her of a rabid dog on drugs/vampire hybrid. 

"Well, Chris, that's very attractive, what with the half eaten slobbery popcorn tidbits flying through the air," she laughed. "So, you seeing anyone?"

He grinned at her. There was a popcorn kernel in his hair, but he quickly brushed it off. "Yep. Toby. Since ninth grade."

"You're going out with a _boy?_" she cried.

Just laughing spiritedly, Chris shook his head. "No, she's a girl. And she's a fine piece of--"

"And she's my _cousin_," Gordie interrupted before Chris could finish his sentence. "She's sick, otherwise she probably would have been out with us tonight. God, she was like oozing from every possible oozable place."

Chris shot him a dirty look. "I gave her a cold, you dillweed. She has a cold. She does not ooze."

"That's probably not the only disease you gave my poor innocent cousin." Gordie raised his eyebrows at Chris indignantly, but then smiled. "I kid you, she already had many diseases before you even met her."

"You terrify me, Gordie," Mattie breathed. "Where are we going?"

"You're going home," Sam said. "We've been gone for a long time, Simon's probably duct taped Will and Nicky to a wall and he's probably throwing darts at them."

"_I'm _going home?" she demanded. "What about you?"

"Dad left you in charge of them, not me," he snapped. "I'm free to do whatever I want."

"That's totally unfair!"

"Life's unfair, sorry to break it to you."

Reeling with frustration and the desire to kick his ass to a foreign country where cannibals would eat him, Mattie could think of no better response than "Grr!" She mumbled a goodbye to Gordie and Chris and then turned around in the direction of Asher Avenue. 


	6. Walk Me Home

****

"Mattie, wait," Gordie called, jogging to catch up to her about thirty seconds later. "I'll walk you home. In case you run into Ace or something."

"Huh," she grunted, always the diplomat. Looking up at him, still a scowl on her face, she muttered, "Thanks."

"Sure." He smiled. "Plus I thought that was kinda rude of your brother. Denny used to do that to me too."

"Denny was your brother?" she asked, the angry look on her face replaced with a gentle one. 

"Yeah, Denny was my brother. He was a lot older than me, and I worshipped him. But he had this whole other life apart from being my big brother, with his friends and girlfriends and whatever, and I'd try and tag along but sometimes he just got tired of me." Gordie shrugged. "Yeah. So that's my story." 

Smiling warmly, Mattie nodded. "I liked your story. I probably would have liked Denny too."

"You would have," he agreed. "Everyone did. Everyone still misses him."

She tilted her head at the strange sound in his voice. "I detect a bit of bitterness."

"Maybe," he admitted with a smile. "But not towards Denny."

"Who then?" she asked curiously. "Pretend I'm Jo-Jo's Help Line."

"My parents, I guess," he said, and even as he was speaking, he wasn't sure why he trusted this girl. It wasn't just because she had a pretty smile or because she looked directly at him when they talked, he knew it was something else, but wasn't sure what it was. "And I guess kinda towards myself too."

"Towards yourself?"

Looking like an abused little boy, Gordie looked at her helplessly. "I'm not supposed to think the way I do, so I don't think you'd want to hear about it."

Confused, yet stern, Mattie asked, "Who told you how to think, Gordie?"

Stopping to think for a moment, he rubbed his arm absentmindedly, suddenly feeling how late it was. "Uhhh, everyone, I guess."

She muttered, "Well, that's stupid."

"I mean, I'll try and explain what's going on in my head, and then they'll tell me that it's wrong to think like that."

"Think like what?" she asked, hoping she didn't come across as too prying.

Gordie's voice caught on a moment's thought of hesitation, but he decided what was the worst Mattie could do if he told her? "It shouldn't have been Denny that died."

Mattie nodded. "You mean, it should have been you."

"Yeah. He was the prodigal son, and everyone loved him and ignored me. My parents wouldn't be so sad if I had died instead of Denny."

Mattie looked up at him. She felt vulnerable at his vulnerability. It felt liberating to be able to have a serious talk with someone. No one at home wanted to talk about what was going on. "Gordie, there are people who you mean just as much to as Denny meant to others." She grinned, a little flushed. "That made sense when I was thinking it, but then I said it, and it sounded stupid--"

"It wasn't stupid, Mattie," he told her, sounding harsh. "I don't get how you can say things like that when you hardly know me. How can you even mean it?"

"Because everybody means something to somebody else," she said, not liking her credibility being questioned. 

Gordie glanced at her, trying to be discreet. But when he saw how the moonlight made her look so untouchable and new, he didn't look away until she looked back at him in surprise. "Thank you, Mattie…Your mom must have been some lady, hey?"

Startled, she furrowed her eyebrows at him. "What do you mean? What does she have to do with anything?"

"You couldn't have gotten this way without a little help," he said.

"Like what way?" 

"Well, for starters, so sad." Gordie offered her a small smile, but she didn't accept it. "And also, so kind, I guess. You've known me for a week but you don't think twice about saying the things no one else knows how to."

She shrugged, but now she was smiling too. "She was sweet. But I'm not like her. She kept my family together without even trying, and I'm trying so hard but everyone's just fallen apart."

"It's not your fault," he promised. He wanted to hold her hand. But he wouldn't. "You've got a bunch of people living together and none of them were ready for her to go, and you're one of those people; you're just as sad. Just because you're the girl doesn't mean you have to try and be like her. People might expect you to take over for her, but don't listen to them. It's not your job. It's not written anywhere. All you have to do is try and be there when someone needs you to be."

"Huh," she muttered. "If I didn't know better, I would say you'd rehearsed that."

Laughing breathily with a tinge of embarrassment, he shook his head. "Just said what came into my head."

"Wow, you're a poet and you didn't even know it."

Gordie beamed at her. "Oh, yes, you kill me Mattie, that was incredibly witty."

"Don't forget it," she giggled. "This is my house." She began to make her way up the front walk of a brick house. "You could come in if you want."

"I'll just walk you to the door," he told her, even though he would have been delighted right out of his Jockeys to do so. "Your dad would probably come home and get the wrong idea."

"My dad will be plastered out of his mind when he comes home, he'll probably think you're Sam or the dog or something." She smiled encouragingly at him, her hand on the door. "You sure?"

"I'm sure," he said. "It's past two. If she's even noticed I'm gone, my mom would be pretty worried."

"Okay." She eased the door open, careful not to wake up her brothers. "Thanks for walking me home, Gordie. Have a good night." When he said goodbye and had started to descend down the sidewalk towards his own house, Mattie closed the door behind her, a large grin on her face. Not tired in the slightest, she ventured into the kitchen to see what late-night snack she could scrounge up. 

After ravaging through the cupboards, she decided to make herself a sandwich and some apple cider. As she put the kettle on the stove to boil the water, she heard small footsteps behind her and she whirled around. "Jeepers, Will! You scared the crap out of me."

His baby soft hair was sticking up in all sorts of different directions. Rubbing his eyes sleepily, he asked, "What are the cupboards doing open?"

"I was looking for something to eat," she said. "I'm so hungry I could eat a house."

"I don't think you could eat a house because you'd get splinters, right?" He padded over to her. "Where did you go? I wanted to ask you for a drink but I didn't know where you were."

"Sorry, Willie," she said, and reached into one of the cupboards for a cup, and filled it up with milk from the fridge. "Sam and me watched a few movies with a couple of friends."

"I asked Simon for a drink and he said to get it myself but I didn't wanna go downstairs because it was so dark and you or Daddy weren't home." He took a gulp from his milk when Mattie handed him the cup. "I'm scared when it's dark."

Smiling benignly and winking secretively at him, she whispered, "I'm scared of the dark too. Shh, don't tell." As she spread some jam over a piece of bread, she said, "Don't listen to Simon, though. He's just a grump. If he hurts your feelings it's just because his feelings hurt too."

"He hurt my finger today too!" he said indignantly, looking as though he had been very wronged. 

"That little bugger." She slapped on the second piece of bread and took a large bite out of it. "That's when you come and get me or Sam, and one of us will beat him up for you."


	7. Will

At the breakfast table the following morning was the next time Sam saw Mattie. He wanted to ask her about the night before, but Will and Nicky were arguing too loudly about which was worse; Mattie's scrambled eggs or her pancakes.

"Excuse me, you're lucky you're not going hungry, you ungrateful snot-nosed brats," she snapped. "The pancakes are a little on the inedible side, but the eggs aren't that bad. They taste a bit like chewing gum. Everyone likes gum."

Mr. McRoyan sauntered lifelessly into the kitchen wrapped up in his bathrobe. 

"Hey, Dad, there's still a bit left if you want, I mean, I wouldn't go near the pancakes, but there's still some eggs in the pan…" Mattie's cheerful voice tapered off as he looked at her, impatiently tired.

"I'm just looking for some Tylenol," he muttered. "I have a headache."

"Yeah, you look like you got run over by a train," Nicky informed him helpfully. 

"Thanks, Nick," he said. His search for painkillers ended after he'd searched through all the cupboards. He settled on grabbing a beer, and left again. 

"I'm sure that will help, Dad," Mattie called. "It seems to have done wonders so far."

"Shut your mouth, Mattie," her father shot back. The stairs creaked above them as he went upstairs to bed. 

Will and Nicky peeked over their food curiously at their sister. Sam pretended to not have heard anything that had been said. Out of nowhere, Simon said, "Hey, you didn't screw up the toast at least, Mattie."

Her bright eyes crinkled happily by her wide smile, she said, "I thought the toast was a little soggy, but I'm glad you like it."

"Well it is soggy, I was trying to be nice."

Sam glanced between both Mattie and Simon and decided that Simon's pleasant comment was a blue-eyed miracle. 

"Sammy, Mattie said you went to a movie!" Will exclaimed. "Can you take me today? I promise I won't ever say a word when we're watching and I won't have to go to the bathroom at all so you won't miss anything at all! And I'll give you all my pennies and everything!"

"You're not going to that movie," Mattie said.

"Why not? Are there--" He lowered his voice and whispered, "_Boooobs?" _

"No," Mattie laughed. "It's just a stupid movie."

"Sure, I'll take you to a matinee show, Willie," Sam said, ignoring Mattie. "It's a pretty cool movie. I'll have to explain everything after though. You might not get it."

Will gave a little yip of excitement and then jumped up out of his chair. "Thanks! I'll go get my pennies!"

"No, sit down and finish eating," he ordered. "And I don't want your pennies, it's okay."

Nicky nudged Mattie and waggled his eyebrows. "So, where you taking me today, sister of mine who I love so much?"

Mattie gasped. "Do you want to go to the town dump with me? I hear it's fascinating!"

"You suck," he grumbled. 

"Hey, maybe if you're nice to Simon, he'll take you to the park and you can play baseball or something."

"Maybe if you pay me too," Simon said. 

"What are you doing today that's so important that you can't take your adoring brother somewhere on a Saturday afternoon?" Sam asked her, smiling pleasantly. 

"Nothing," she said, irritated with his I-know-something-you-don't-know tone. "Why are you talking like that? Should I be doing something?"

"Well, I don't know, I thought maybe you had plans made with someone, let's say for example, maybe Gordie." He shrugged and drank some of his orange juice. 

"Is there a reason you used him for your example?" she asked.

Clasping his hands together and batting his eyelashes flirtatiously, Sam mocked, "'Oh, why don't I buy you some popcorn and stare at you a lot and laugh at everything you say and blush all the time and hold the door for you Mattie? I think you're just oh so pretty, will you be my girlfriend?'"

"Did you just ask Mattie to be your girlfriend?" Nicky asked. 

"Do you know what boyfriends and girlfriends _do_?" Will whispered.

"No I did not, and I was talking to Mattie, not you," Sam said. "I'm just saying, the guy likes you, Mattie. I don't know _why _but he does. Chris even said he thought so, and Chris and Gordie have been best friends for years so he probably knows these things."

"I like Mattie too!" Will smiled proudly. "I used to think that I could marry her when I got old enough, but my teacher, Miss Hanover, she said that you can't do that or else your babies will have too many arms."

Sam raised an eyebrow at Will. "Oh dear God, child. I pity the one who has to give you the birds and the bees talk." He looked back to Mattie. "Anyhow, and I think you kinda liked him too. But I can never tell because you like every single boy you look at."

"I don't think I like Gordie," she muttered, looking confused. "I mean, I think he's sweet, but I don't know. And he doesn't like me; I know that for sure. He doesn't flirt with me like he flirts with this girl in our Creative Writing class."

"Flirting is for people you just think are hot but you have no interest in getting to know them," Sam sighed exasperatedly, as if explaining to a child that chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows and the kid just wasn't getting it. "He _listens _and_ talks _to you, you idiot. He wants to know more about _you _because he's interested."

"Ah, whatever, eat your damn eggs."

Will's eyes widened in shock. "Mattie said damn--"

"And now _you've_ said it, so keep your mouth shut," Mattie snapped, poking her fork in his direction.

Later that afternoon Will came stampeding into the living room where Mattie was listening to the radio and reading her book. He flew into her lap, knocking the wind out of her. "Mattiemattiemattie you _got _to see this movie! It's about this guy named Sam Spade--"

"I've seen it, Willie," she gasped, trying to catch her breath. "I take it you enjoyed it?"

"He enjoyed it, alright," Sam said, poking his head around the corner. "Chris and me are gonna go shoot some pool okay? I ran into him downtown. Are Simon and Nicky home yet?"

"No, they stopped here for about two minutes to have me make them sandwiches, but then they left. I guess there's a big pick up baseball game going on."

"Alright. Just look after Will." He smiled at them and then left again. 

"I want to go again!" Will grabbed her shirt collar pleadingly. Will you take me again tonight at five o'clock pleeaaase Mattie?"

"Ahh, I don't know, buddy, I think I've seen it enough times to last me for awhile."

"I'll be really good though."

"I know you will be," she said, messing up his hair playfully. "But we've both already seen it, right? We shouldn't waste our money."

"It's not wasting!" he cried. 

"Will, you've already seen it," she insisted. "And I didn't like it when I saw it, so I don't want to sit through it again."

"But you're just sitting here reading!"

"Because I feel like reading and it's a good book!" She felt her decisiveness waver as she saw tears in his eyes, but tried to ignore it. "I'm sorry, okay, Will?"

"No you're not!" he said, his small cheeks flushing with anger. "You just don't want to spend time with me." His body was shaking with hiccuping sobs. 

"That's not true," she promised heatedly, trying to hug him but he jumped off her lap. 

She watched him, feeling like the biggest bad guy in the world, as he climbed up the stairs two at a time, throwing his whole body into each long step. Feeling too guilty to continue reading, she checked the grandfather clock in the corner of the room, saw that it was four, and decided to go make them some supper. 

Sitting on the counter with her chin resting on her hands, she watched the soup on the stove. She grumbled, "Oh it's not going to kill me for God's sake." Hopping down off the counter, she turned the gas ring off, and dumped the soup into the sink. "Will! Let's go!"

Venturing out into the hallway, and gazing up the stairs, she didn't see him rushing to meet her. She thought he'd be really happy. "Will? I changed my mind, I want to take you to the movie!" Not hearing a sound upstairs, she started to go up the stairs to search him out, but then she saw that his shoes were gone. "Oh God," she muttered. 


	8. Everywhere

Chris handed Sam a cue stick, and then slid the pool balls into the centre of the table. "So, Sammy, any bets you want to place?"

Holding the stick tentatively, he looked up at Chris. "Um, I kinda don't know how to play."

"You don't know--" His jaw dropped, and he blinked several times. "Wow."

"Sorry, I'm not much into billiards." Sam shrugged. "I play baseball. That's the only activity I do."

"Well, that's about to change," Chris said, smiling. "You'll love it. Actually, I don't know the real rules either, no one ever taught me. Alright, see the stick there in your hand? Take that and hit that white ball into that big bunch of them. You following me?"

"Sure why not." 

Running back to the kitchen, Mattie grabbed the phone, but realized she didn't know who to phone. She didn't know anyone here. If she phoned 911, they would tell her to just sit and wait for him to come home, and if he didn't come home for a few hours, try them again. She wished that her dad were home, or even Sam. But then again, neither of them would have lost Will in the first place.

Ten minutes passed, and by this point, Sam's lack of talent for pool was so apparent that they had to stop. They went outside and began walking downtown. "So what's your sister doing today?" Chris asked. 

"Mattie? Why?"

"She's really pretty, don't you think?"

"Umm…no, not really."

"I tried to talk Gordie into admitting he thinks she's hot, but he wouldn't."

"Yeah," Sam said, nodding. "I was saying the same thing to Mattie. But she had a conniption fit. Not really, but she told me to eat my breakfast in a very snotty tone."

"Speaking of girls," Chris said, now that he had tired of talking about Sam's sister. "Do you want to meet _my _girl?"

"Uh, sure, but isn't she oozing with disease?"

Smiling to himself, Chris said, "Anything's possible with Toby."

"Get the hell out of my room!" 

"But you're feeling better! You need company!"

"I don't want _your_ company! Get out! I'll sneeze on you, I swear I will, I've trained my nose to do things like that!"

Gordie tried to grab his cousin by the arm to pull her out of bed, but Toby pounced on him before he had the chance. She had her purple blanket clutched in her hands high above her head, making herself look amusingly like a cape crusader of some sort. She knocked him to the floor, pinned him under the blanket, and sat on him. "Now, Gordie, where do I want you to be?"

Imagining his life slowly ebbing from him as her body flattened several of his vital organs, Gordie grunted, "Away from you?"

"Very good!" she said enthusiastically. "And while you're busy not being anywhere near me, you can go get Chris and tell him to come see me!"

"He was just sick, do you really think he wants the cold germs back?" he asked. 

"Uhhhm…yes." She smiled, letting him up. She flopped back on her rumpled white sheets, not brushing her sandy brown hair away when it fell over her ashen face. "Could you also get me some more ginger pop?"

"It's ginger _ale _and no, I will not get you any. But I'll go find Chris." He was about to exit the room, but remembered some handy advice. "Now, remember, Toby, if you throw up or drool excessively, don't drown in it."

Stopping to watch an unorganized baseball game taking place in Harrison Park, Gordie felt himself grow wistful. If it were a few years ago, he would be out there, getting dirt on his clothes from sliding, getting grass stains--and he would still have his old friends. Even though they weren't a part of his life anymore, he still thought about Teddy Duchamp and Vern Tessio from time to time. You don't forget the friends you had when you were that age. Those were the best, truest friends you could ever have. 

He kept walking and almost slammed into a little boy that came up to about his waist. "Woah, sorry, kid."

The boy looked pretty angered. "Hi. Do you know where I can go see the movies?"

"Hmm." Gordie studied the boy's small face and soft features. "What movie do you want to go to?"

"Maltese Falcon! Mattie won't take me and I'm mad as hell."

Laughing, he asked, "Are you Will?"

"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers but I've been talking to you for awhile so you're not a stranger anymore so my name's Will, what's your name? Are you going to take me to the movie? Do you have a ticket? I don't but I brought some pennies."

"I'm afraid I must have left my ticket in another pair of pants. I'm Gordie." He put a hand on Will's head, and began to walk with him. "How about you come take a walk with me?"

If anything bad happened to Will, Mattie didn't know what she would do. That kid meant so much to her and he made her laugh when she should be crying. She wouldn't be able to handle losing her mom and her little brother all in the same month. 

She'd been pacing up and down the hallway for about ten minutes, knowing her doing nothing wasn't helping him come home, but she didn't know what to do. Finally, she went to the back door, and jammed her feet into her street-shoes. 

The front entrance doorbell rang. Her heart fluttering horribly, and expecting to see a policeman to be standing on the porch, she ran down the hall and threw open the door. 

Upon seeing Gordie with Will, unafraid and unhurt, holding his hand, Mattie broke down into tears. Her eyes briefly soared up to Gordie, but she immediately knelt so fast that her knees hitting the floor made a loud, painful sound. She threw her arms around him. "Why did you do that?" she cried. "I couldn't find you and I didn't know what to do!"

Will's eyes grew wide with surprise at Mattie's reaction, but then his lip trembled and he began to cry too. He hugged her back. "I got my pennies and I was going to go to the movie by myself because you wanted to read your story!"

"I was just about to tell you that I changed my mind," she said, her sobs weakening. 

Gordie stood by and watched, amazed and out of place. He didn't know how to comfort a girl he hardly knew, especially when she was bawling out of sheer fright. He cleared his throat, and Mattie looked up at him, her eyes bluer than ever now that they were rimmed with pink. Her cheeks were also pink; the only colour on her winter white skin. He wanted to leave, but was amazed by how unbelievable she looked at that moment, so helpless, so strong, and so full of love. 

"Gordie, you--" She shook her head and sniffled. "Thank you, I don't even know what to say to you. How did you know it was Will?"

He smiled reassuringly down at her. "Well, he said so. That, and he just sounded like the kid you were telling me about last night."

On trembling legs, Mattie struggled to her feet, hesitated at first, but hugged him tightly. "I was so scared, Gordie," she whispered, so that Will wouldn't hear. She didn't need to worry about him overhearing; he had run off into the kitchen. "I just didn't know what to do."

Gordie touched her hair, cradling her. "It's okay, nothing happened."

"But something could have!" she insisted. 

"But nothing did," he said strongly, holding her face away so he could look her in the eye. "Just be thankful for that, Mattie."

"Do you know how much I would have died if something had hurt him?"

He shook his head. "Don't think about it." 

Mattie's tears were replaced by new ones as she began to cry again. "I'm sorry," she whimpered. 

"No, shh," he murmured. "I don't mind if you cry."

"How do I thank you?"

"You don't have to." Being able to hold her because she needed him was reward enough for Gordie, but he didn't tell her that. 


	9. A Missing Gordie

Expecting to see Gordie when Chris rang the doorbell, Sam was unpleasantly surprised when a small, haggard-looking girl answered the door. In one hand, she held a Kleenex, and in the other she held the corner of a purple blanket which trailed behind her like a wedding dress train. Though the look on her face at first was pure annoyance, a different light immediately fell over her features, and her smile brightened her face entirely. "Chris!"

Chris grinned in response. "Toby!" he said back, but put up a hand to stop her when she moved as if to hug him. "Stay away and don't touch me."

She grumbled, "Bastard."

"Hey, I worked hard to get rid of that cold, I don't want it back, especially now that all those germs are covered in your cooties." He saw her scowl and shrugged, taking her hand. "Hell, I can wash my hands thoroughly later." 

"Thank you for seeing it my way!" she exclaimed, her smile returning. "Hello, Chris' friend whom I do not know," she said, finally noticing Sam. 

"Hello, Chris' girlfriend Toby."

She nudged Chris in the side and whispered, "Why does he know my name but I don't know his? Am I really that sick?"

"This is Sam McRoyan," he told her. "He just moved here from Portland. Don't get him sick."

"You're from Portland?" she asked, her voice raspy and nasally. "Me too! I moved here just about three years ago. Three years of living with Gordie. I don't know how I've survived."

Nodding, polite but reserved, he said, "We've been here for about two weeks."

"I win!" They gave her odd looks. She frowned. "You know…I have seniority over him?"

"What the _hell _are you doing out of bed?" Chris demanded. "You're being weird again, why aren't you lying down?"

Glaring at him, she said, "Um, maybe because you rang the doorbell."

"Why didn't you let Gordie get it?"

Suddenly Toby looked confused. "Heeey, what did you guys do with Gordie?"

"We didn't _have _Gordie to begin with!" Chris cried. "What did _you_ do with Gordie?"

"I sent him to go look for you to make you come visit me! He didn't find you?"

"He agreed to just go find me? That seems un-Gordie-like. He hardly ever does anything you ask him to."

"Hey…" Toby's nose scrunched up as she thought deeply. "What the hell was he thinking doing what I told him to do?"

Sam grinned. "I bet we'd find him if we walked over to my house."

Favoring him with a sidelong glance, Chris smiled. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Putting her hand up politely, Toby waited her turn to speak and then announced, "I don't understand."

Chris informed her, "Your cousin likes his sister. He probably just left you as an excuse to go over to Sam's so he could see her."

"The rat fink!" she said. 

Squeezing her hand, he asked, "Are you feeling okay enough to walk over to Sam's house? It's just over on Asher."

"If I faint, will you carry me?" she asked, batting her eyelashes. 

"No, but I'll drag you by your hair, how's that?"

"Works for me! Let's go, I've been cooped up in this house for way too long."


	10. Flying Spoons and HoneyCovered Cousins

"Are you eating your teeth?"

Surprised, Mattie looked over at Gordie. He was sitting next to her on the kitchen counter. "No."

"Then what are you crunching on?"

"Nothing."

"Do you have peanut brittle?" he cried. "I can smell its sweet nuttiness!"

"No!"

"What's in your mouth?" 

"Peanut brittle!"

Gordie's eyes lit up as if suddenly set ablaze. "Can I _have _some?"

"Ahh," she giggled, opening her mouth wide. "It's all in my mouth." She chewed thoughtfully for awhile, not paying him any attention while he stared at her in disgusted disbelief. "Will and Nicky made pie the other day. No one will eat it, so if you would like some, that would be nice."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Well, the crust is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted, for starters. Tastes like bile, but in a flaky kinda way."

He smiled benignly. "No, thank you, Mattie, I'm fine."

"Oh, I think you want some," she teased, poking him in the side. "Yum yum, Gordie!"

"No, no, Mattie."

"Want some cranberry juice?" she offered, flashing him a smile. "It's CRAN-TASTIC!"

"Oh dear God." He was about to say something else, but the front door opened, and a gale of loud, laughing voice burst inside. "People!" Leaping off the counter like hell was after him, he tried to land gracefully but slipped when his socks made contact with the hardwood floor. "OW! My diocese!"

Mattie toppled off the counter in a fit of laughter. "There's no diocese in the human anatomy for you to injure!"

"Hmm," a new voice said. The two peered up from the kitchen floor to see Sam, Chris, and a short girl standing above them. It was Sam that had spoken. "Am I allowed to ask what you're doing down there?"

"Mattie's making me eat shoes!" Gordie exclaimed. 

"What!" she shrilled. "You damn dirty liar." Getting to her feet, Mattie tucked her dark hair behind her ear and grinned at the new people. "Hi."

Chris smiled back, but the girl he was with was too busy tilting her head back and sniffling to do much of anything. "Hi. Do you have any tissues?"

"Yes, please, tissues, I might drip all over your floor and I barely know you so I'd feel bad," the girl said in a rush.

Gordie scrambled to his feet as well. "I _told _you she oozed!"

Mattie retrieved some tissues and handed them over. "Um. Are you sick?"

"Nope, I'm Toby," she replied, blowing her nose gratefully. "And you're Mattie. My nose and I thank you. I have the runny nose from hell. I had to walk here most of the way practically bent over backwards."

"That's sad."

"You kidnapped my cousin," Toby said conversationally. 

"I did not kidnap anyone's cousin," Mattie retorted adamantly. 

Crumpling the tissue up into a ball, the other girl pointed at Gordie, and from the wide-expression on her face, Mattie expected her to cry, "Eureka!" But instead, she just said, "Gordie!"

Gordie smiled benevolently at her and petted her tawny coloured hair. "Toby, your flu has seeped into your brain. I think you should eat some pie."

Appearing alarmed, Sam cried, "Don't touch that pie!"

Her lips almost tickling Gordie's ear, Mattie whispered, "Is she friend or foe?"

Quite surprised he could even find his voice, what with her mouth barely inches away from him, Gordie muttered, "Worse. She's my cousin."

Mattie grinned with bright vivaciousness at Toby. "Could I interest you in some _pie_?"

Sam grabbed the pie tin, and they all stared in awe as the pie jiggled like no pastry ever should. Careful not to touch it, he dumped it into the trash. 

"Well. Will and Nicky will be sad when they see their hard work in the _garbage_," Mattie said pointedly.

"Good going, Sam," Chris chided him. 

"It was for the best," Sam assured them all. 

"You have a lovely home," Toby said. "Is there anything in it to occupy our attentions?"

Chris turned to her and smiled widely. "Come and get it."

Smirking in return, she poked him squarely in the chest. "You wish."

Boredom finally found the five up in Sam's room. Chris and Gordie were flipping through Sam's sparse record collection. They didn't seem too impressed. 

"Oh my God, what the hell!" Chris barked out a laugh. "The Mamas and the Papas. Why didn't you tell me you were a pussy?"

Sam glared at him. "Mattie listens to Simon and Garfunkel!"

"Mattie's a girl. Girls have bad taste in music." Chris shook his head, apparently saddened. He tossed the Mamas and the Papas record onto the pile of other previously declared crap records. "Bob Dylan. That's what you should listen to."

"No, thank you. I like to be able to understand the words when I listen to music."

"The man's a genius!" he exclaimed. 

"The man sounds like he's choking on his tongue!"

With Gordie serving as the referee, Sam and Chris' debate grew more and more heated over the following minutes. 

"I'm growing impatient!" Toby yelled over the noise. 

Gordie shifted around. "Wow. I'm apparently growing socks!" Looking proud, he held up a dirty sock that he'd been sitting on. 

"Pay attention to us!" she pleaded, ignoring Gordie. A spoon hit her in the face. "Good grief, why are there flying spoons?"

"Sam never has been one for keeping a tidy room," Mattie said. "You'd be surprised at what you'd find in here if you really dug around. You could probably find a whole new food group."

"Sorry, Toby, I was aiming for Sam," Chris said, walking over to her, bending down and picking up the spoon again. He hurled it at Sam again, this time making contact. 

Scowling, Toby's glare turned over to Mattie. Mattie looked concerned at being glared at in such a manner. "Do you have a room?"

"Um, yes I do," Mattie replied. "Why, what do you want to do in there? Keep in mind you have a boyfriend."

"Oh I'll try to resist your beguiling ways," Toby said sarcastically. "Lead the way."

Peering around when they were in Mattie's marginally more clean bedroom, Toby said softly, "Lots of pink."

"Yeah," she said. "Kinda makes your head spin, doesn't it? One of these days I'm going to paint the walls blue or something. When we moved in, it was like this. But it's the biggest bedroom in the house, and none of my brothers wanted a pink room so I got it. That was nice."

"It must blow having to live with a bunch of guys."

"Yeah, it doesn't smell very good either," Mattie giggled. 

"Just living with Gordie and my brother make me want to run away and become a nun or a clown or something. I don't think I'd be able to live with four brothers for too long." Toby picked up a framed picture and looked at it pensively. "That's your mom?"

Not bothering to look over, Mattie smiled gently. "That's my mom."

She nodded, and then put the picture back down on the bedside table. 

"Does it ever get better?" Mattie asked suddenly. 

"My parents have been dead for two years," she murmured. "I guess it does get better. But you won't stop thinking about her everyday."

"I don't want to stop thinking about her," Mattie said. "I just want to be able to think about her and not hurt."

Favoring her with a sidelong glance, Toby said, "It'll get better." Spotting the bin Mattie kept her records in, she began to sift through them. "Your taste in music isn't that bad."

Mattie smiled. "I didn't think so."

"Except for Gary Pucket." She shuddered. "That's where I draw the line."

"That's not mine! That's Sam's! Get it away from the others! Gross! Good Lord, I hope it didn't leak and make my other music sound like shit too!"

Toby laughed. "Oh my."

Startling them, Gordie poked his head in the room. "Hello, ladies."

Mattie flung the Gary Pucket record at him. "Will you please give that to my brother?"

"Gary Pucket? Ew." Gordie studied the front cover, a look of contempt on his face. "He listens to this kind of music and yet he has the nerve to call himself a man. I'm shocked and disgusted."

"Can we help you?" Toby asked him impatiently.

"Make me a sandwich."

"Fuck a tree."

"I could get splinters."

Mattie laughed, but Toby just raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you want?"

"What do I want?What do I _want?" _Looking wounded, Gordie placed a hand over his heart. "Why don't we start talking about some of my _needs_?"

"Oh, go away," she said, but smiled anyway. 

He frowned at her, but then looked over at Mattie and smiled. "Good_bye _Mattie. I'm not talking to Toby."

When he was gone, Toby stood up and sat on the bed. "Speaking of Gordie…"

"I wasn't speaking of Gordie."

"Well, you were thinking about him." She grinned. "You were thinking of him unclothed, weren't you?"

Rolling her eyes, Mattie moaned sarcastically. "Oh YES, Toby, I just can't stop thinking about him naked. Except in some of my fantasies, he's naked, but he's also covered in honey."

"Dammit! Icky! Mattie how could you?" 

"You're imagining your cousin naked, _aren't_ you?" Mattie cackled. "Serves you right."

"I was just trying to prove a point," Toby wailed, unable to get the image out of her mind. 

"What was that point?"

"That you like him."

"Why does everyone think I like him?"

"Hmm." Toby pondered for a moment. "Because you do?"


	11. It Starts Out with a Kiss

"It starts out with a kiss, even though you're only friends--"

"You LIKE it!" Sam stopped dancing with Toby so he could yell at Chris, who had been singing. "You bitch about having to listen to Gary Pucket and yet you know the WORDS!"

Looking sheepish, Chris grabbed Toby away from Sam and grumbled, "Give me back my damn girlfriend."

After he finished eating his Fig Newton, Gordie looked over at Mattie. She was biting her nails and looking she was in pain. "Why does your brother listen to girl music?"

A delighted smile suddenly lighting up her face, she informed him, "He's a hermaphrodite."

"Well, I didn't need to know that."

"Come on," she said, meeting his eye and crawling off Sam's bed, where she had been sitting next to Gordie. When she and Toby had rejoined the guys, Sam was subjecting Chris and Gordie to his beloved Gary Pucket. Immediately, Sam had swept Toby up and forced her to dance with him to his favorite song, "Don't Give in to Him." Mattie took a seat next to Gordie and wallowed in self-pity as the devil-music burned holes in her eardrums. 

"Where are we going?" Gordie asked, following behind her faithfully. 

She turned back to him, a smirk playing with the corners of her lips. "My room."

A tattered comic book hit Gordie in the back of the head. "Piss off!" he growled. 

Chris smiled innocently. "I did not throw anything at your head. It was Toby. I give you full permission to throw her out of the window."

Toby glared. "I loathe you."

"You love me. Don't kid yourself." As Gordie turned to leave, Chris threw a half-eaten apple at him. "Who gave you permission to leave, Lachance?"

Mattie grabbed Gordie by his sleeve and continued to lead him out of the room. "I did."

"Ooooh," Toby giggled. "Romance blooms!"


	12. Blown Away

"Holy, your mom was really pretty," Gordie observed, picking up the picture that Toby had been studying earlier. "You look a lot like her."

Facing her dresser mirror, Mattie stared at his reflection. He looked so gentle, and so young and new that she was suddenly blown away with a pang of desire. She walked over to him and sat beside him on her bed, their legs touching. "Okay, let's pretend that I wanted to ask you a question. Would you answer honestly?"

"It depends," he said, not looking at her, but he carefully put the picture down. "What's in it for me? Money?" Mattie just smiled in response. He finally gazed over at her and nodded. "Yeah, I would."

"Good to know," she murmured, looking up at him, sweet longing in her eyes. 

Gordie swallowed his doubts and blocked out the voices in his mind. Holding her face in his hand and gently tilting her chin upwards, he leaned over and kissed her. It was not a long kiss, and it was not a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, fireworks-bursting kiss, but it was their kiss. 

Still close enough that his long eyelashes fluttered delicately against her cheek, he whispered, "What was the question you wanted to ask?"

She slid into his arms. "You just answered it."


	13. Her Kind

"So, about that dork you're dating," Simon began at supper that evening. For once, everyone was accounted for and they were eating peacefully. 

"Who's dating a dork?" Mr. McRoyan asked, looking up from his paper. His reading glasses were perched precariously on the tip of his nose, and he pushed them up with his index finger. 

"Mattie's dating a _dork_!" Nicky exclaimed helpfully. 

"He's not a dork," she snapped at her brothers. 

"I don't think you should date dorks," their father said. 

"He's not a dork!"

"Anyway, about this dork," Simon continued. "When do we get to meet him to see if he's okay?"

"_Never._"

"I've already met him," Sam said between sips of his milk. "He's alright. His cousin's a hottie."

"Toby's spoken for. She and Chris are practically married. They already act like they're on their honeymoon," Mattie reminded him. "Haha."

"Daddy did you make dessert?" Will asked hopefully. 

"You haven't even finished your supper and you're asking about dessert?" Mr. McRoyan asked. 

"I'm not hungry for supper, I'm hungry for dessert."

"No, there's no dessert. Sorry bud."

"There would be dessert if Sam hadn't thrown away our perfectly good pie," Nicky pouted. 

"Did you even try that pie?" Sam cried. " It tasted like processed crap."

"Dad, make him shut up," Nicky demanded. 

"So, Mattie, when do we get to meet this boy?"

"He's nice!" Will exclaimed. "He walked me home today!"

"Walked you home from where?" Sam asked. 

"The movie!"

Mattie gave a strained laugh. "Will, I think that's a story for later." She smiled at her father. "I don't know, when do you want to meet him?"

"Does he like turtles?" Will asked. 

"Uh," she looked over at him curiously. "Sure?"

Vincent bumped his sister's elbow as she attempted to pour gravy over her potatoes. The gravy ended up all over the white tablecloth. "Vincent!" Toby snapped maliciously. 

"Careful, you two!" their uncle barked. 

"Bravo, Toby," Vincent said. 

"Why won't you move out already?" she demanded. 

"Honey, your brother is welcome to stay with us for as long as he needs to," her aunt Francis reminded her. 

Vincent smiled smugly and popped a forkful of peas into his mouth. 

Gordie, who had not said a word since he and Toby had gotten home late that afternoon, looked up at his mother and asked softly, "May I please have the milk?"

She smiled at him and poured milk into his glass for him. 

"Mom, you don't have to--" he protested, but stopped to smile and thank her. 

"So, Gordon, how was your day?" his father asked. Usually John Lachance didn't say a whole lot, and he rarely spoke to his son unless he was spoken to first. 

"It was okay, Dad," Gordie said quietly. 

"Go into detail," Toby cried exasperatedly. 

"I don't feel like going into detail, _Toby_," he growled. 

"Gordie has a girlfriend," she announced. 

"Do you?" his mother asked, apparently pleased. "Well, that's wonderful, sweetie. I wish I would have made cobbler tonight like I'd planned so we'd have something to celebrate with, but I was just too tired. What is she like, Gordie?"

"I don't know…" he said hesitantly, shooting glares at Toby. "She's nice. Her family just moved here from Portland."

"Yeah, she and her brother and me I guess went to the same elementary school there, but hell if remember them--" Toby babbled. 

"Toby, proper girls do not swear," John said gruffly. "You don't want people thinking you're an uneducated trollop, do you?"

"No, sir," she muttered, tearing the corners off of her serviette. 

"What's this girl's father do?" he asked Gordie. 

"I think he works at the mill."

"Jim McRoyan?" His piercing blue eyes bore into him with marked disdain. "I've heard he's quite the regular at the Mellow Tiger Bar."

He lowered his head. "Mattie said that he's been drinking some evenings since his wife died, I guess."

"And you're sure this is a girl that you should be involving yourself with?"

Gordie couldn't stand that condescending look. He couldn't even stand his father for the most part. He didn't know Mattie. He didn't know anything. He didn't even know her father, but he still figured he knew everything about her family. 

"You don't even know her, so don't judge her already!" Gordie yelled without thinking. 

His mother and his cousins looked back and forth between Gordie and John with wide, shocked eyes. 

"I know her _kind, _Gordon," John said at last, infuriatingly calm. 

"You do not."

"She's very nice, Uncle John," Toby murmured. She'd had this same argument before with her uncle, except regarding Chris. His narrow-mindedness frustrated her to every brink, but she had never gotten over her awe-struck fear of him. "You'd probably like her if you met her."

"I probably would not. But I can guarantee you that I will be meeting this McRoyan girl."


	14. Ice Cream

Fingers intertwined, Mattie and Gordie walked around the baseball diamond where her little brothers were playing. Chris, Sam and Toby were also there that afternoon, with Sam and Chris yelling at whatever boy was on third base at the time, telling him whether or not to run home. Toby, however, was certain that she was going to get sunburned from the very lethal October sun, so she hid under Chris' jacket. 

As Gordie watched her staring at the distance, he nudged her lightly. "What are you thinking about, Mattie?"

Shaking herself out of her dazed thoughts, she laughed. "Sex, Gordie."

"That's what I like to hear." His smile weakened and he tried again. "Really. You look worried about something."

She shrugged. "I'm worried about several things, actually."

"Fill me in."

"Well, for starters, I'm worried about Nicky batting without a helmet. And did I express this concern to him? Why, yes I did, but did he choose to listen? Why, no he didn't. Because I'm just the sister that knows nothing."

Gordie smirked, watching as the baseball sailed against the sky. A tall, lanky boy in centre field with his hat stuck in his back pocket caught the ball with ease and lobbed it back to the pitcher. No one congratulated the boy, of course, because he was Chris and Eyeball Chambers' other little brother, and Gordie felt bad for him. Pulling his attention back to Mattie, he said, "Don't worry. It does every kid some good to be hit in the head with a baseball anyway."

"Yeah, but Nicky's been hit in the head like, eight times. You start to wonder about the brain damage he must have."

Laughing, Gordie shook his head. "He'll be fine. What else is bugging you?"

She sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I'm pretty much scared to death about meeting your father tomorrow night after everything Toby's told me about him."

"Never listen to Toby." He kissed the top of her head reassuringly. "My dad will love you. He'll probably be jealous. You know what he'll do? He'll be like, 'I must have a girl like that all for myself and I won't share' and then he'll make me go out to try and find another girl like you for him."

Mattie giggled. "Sucks to be him. There's only one of me, thank God."

"And I'm the sucker who got you." He grinned teasingly and squeezed her hand. "Hey, isn't that your brother running? Holy, he can move."

Mattie looked at the field to see Simon rounding the bases. "Ooh, yay for my Simon!" she giggled. 

Sam shouted, "Good, Simon! Don't go home!"

In agreement, Chris yelled, "Don't go home!"

Mattie and Gordie stood frozen, watching as Simon's foot tapped third and base and kept running without even glancing over his shoulder. Cheering him on, Mattie was proud of Simon for not stopping. She didn't care that the other team threw the ball to the back catcher standing on home plate before Simon could get there. 

Simon's team lost, and Nicky's won. Nicky was enjoying himself as he rubbed it in Simon's face. "IIIII got iiiice cream, you don't got no iiiice cream, you live in a refrigerator box cuz your family's on welfare and your daddy's in jaaiil."

Slapping him across the head, Mattie asked, "What kind of song is that?"

"A funny one," he replied. "This guy at school always sings it. He's really funny. Can you buy me ice cream since I'm better than Simon?"

"Who said you're better than Simon?" she asked. "And we've got ice cream at home."

Sam rested his elbow of Simon's head. "You know, if it wasn't so windy today, that ball would've been history, right?"

Simon's scowl was set again. It was difficult to feel much compassion for the boy when that look was on his face. "Sure. Yeah. And I would have won the game for my team and everyone would have carried me around on their shoulders, right?"

"Hey, one time we let Toby play baseball with us," Gordie told him. "She was playing with a friggen butterfly and got knocked out. It was pretty great."

Sam stole a glance over his shoulder at Toby. She and Chris were walking far behind them with Chris' brother between them. Her face was lit up with laughter and her hand was in a friendly clasp over the younger boy's hand, and their arms were swinging back and forth. Sam suddenly felt sad. "Stupid Chris," he grumbled. 

Gordie turned to look at him in horror. "Good Lord, don't tell me you like her too. I lose all my friends to her. Grrrrr, I can't stand her."

"I never said I liked her," Sam protested. "I just wish I could have her on the weekends and Chris could have her for the rest of the week. Sounds like a fair deal to me."

"Sorry buddy, I don't think they'd go for that," he laughed.

"I can dream."

Mattie giggled. "Sure, if you want to keep having to change your sheets."

"Let's change the subject, okay?" Sam said, wishing a large flock of seagulls would swoop down and peck her eyes out. 

"I don't get it," Nicky complained. 

"So Gordie!" Sam said loudly, fighting down his blush. "My dad wants to meet you, when do you want to meet him?"

"You should come for supper tonight," Nicky suggested. "It's Mattie's night to cook."

"Are you trying to break them up?" Simon demanded. "I don't think he should try any of Mattie's cooking until after they're married because by then he'll be stuck with her."

"I look forward to the day," Gordie teased, hooking his arm through hers. 

"Are you sure you don't want to take me out for ice cream?" Nicky offered, his eyebrows jumping up and down in some sort of parody of temptation. "Chocolate sprinkles and cherries and chocolate mousse--"

"I think I can do without," she said. "I should check on Will anyway. He's probably lonely." Will had come down with laryngitis. He was currently stuck in bed, and they were all just taking for granted that their father would stick around to take care of him. 

"Hey," Chris called from behind. "We're going for ice cream. Toby's treating. You guys want to come?"

"God bless!" Nicky exclaimed and ran to them. 

Sam shrugged, said sure, and made Simon join them as well. 

"Are you going?" Mattie took her arm from Gordie. 

"Yeah I guess," he replied. "You sure you don't want to come?"

"I can eat ice cream at home with Will so I won't be missing out on too much." She smiled up at him. "Have fun. Remember to eat lots, you beanpole."

"You bet I will. Toby's buying, remember? See you tomorrow. Come over at six, on the dot. My dad values punctuality."

"Dammit."


	15. Meet the Parents

[Author's Note: Brace yourselves for a long-ass chapter]

Mattie pounded her head against her floor. "Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!" She sat up and raked her hands through her hair. Catching a glimpse of herself in her vanity mirror, she sighed. Today of all days she just had to be having a combination bad hair, bad face, and bad mood day. To top it all off she'd just snagged the only navy blue stockings she owned on a nail poking out of her door frame and gotten a highly noticeable run in it. She felt very much like crying, but did her best not to because then her face would be even more blotchy than it already was.

Mattie rose from the floor where she had collapsed in a heap of frustration and walked over to her dresser, searching frantically for a pair of stockings that would go with her pleated skirt. She finally settled on flesh-coloured ones and tossed them onto her bed to put on later. 

The clock on her bedside table read 5:27. Recklessly, she yanked a brush through her tangled hair. When she had her hair going in one direction, her door opened suddenly. 

"Hey Mattie, what's wrong with your hair?"

She glared at Sam. "My hair is not behaving today, and I'd appreciate it if you were to offer me some sympathy."

"Sympathy?" He squinted at her, and then smiled in triumph. "Does that means hugs?"

"No." Mattie frowned at her reflection. "Should I put my hair up or leave it down?"

"What do I look like, your beauty consultant?" He folded his arms over his chest and leaned against her wall. "Down. When you put it up, your face looks like a square." 

"What are you, my beauty consultant?" she laughed. "Why are you in here anyway?"

"Because I think you're going to be late. It's almost 5:40."

Sliding into the new stockings, she said with marked determinedness, "Not if I run real fast."

"Oh yeah, that'll impress his dad if you're all sweaty."

"Where are my shoes?" she demanded shrill. "Shit!"

"Just wear the black ones. They're downstairs."

"They're dirty! I want the brown ones!"

"Mattie!" their father shouted from downstairs. "Are you still here?"

"I can't find my damn shoes!" she yelled back rather irritably. She dropped to her knees and stuck her head under her bed. "Ahahahahahahaha come to mama." Quickly jamming her feet into the shoes, she patted Sam on the head before she trampled down the stairs, and then kissed her dad on the cheek before she rushed out of the door. 

Saying a silent prayer that she wasn't late, Mattie waited on the front stoop for someone to answer the door. Eventually, Gordie did. "Look at you, don't you look pretty," he laughed and stepped out of the way so that she could come in.

"Am I late?" she whispered. "And you look pretty too, Gordie."

Glancing at the clock in the hall, he shook his head. "Nope. Three minutes early actually."

"Crap! He's gonna think I'm over eager now because I'm early!"

"Shh, stop worrying, Mattie," he told her reassuringly. "He'll love you. You look great, and as long as you just act like you normally do and be yourself, you'll win him over in two seconds."

She smiled at him. "You're way too good to me, Gordie."

"And if you smile like that, he'll probably invite you over every night." Lightly holding her by the elbow, he brought her into the kitchen. 

Mattie immediately noticed the yellow floor tiles and oak cupboards. There was a homey, welcoming look to the room, but she somehow felt put off and cold standing in it. 

Mrs. Lachance turned around, with a warm smile that did not touch her deeply brown eyes. She took off her oven mitts and shook Mattie's hand briefly. "I'm Gordie's mother. I'm so happy to get to meet you finally, Mattie. I've heard wonderful things about you."

Although she highly doubted that, Mattie grinned anyway. "Thank you for inviting me over tonight."

John Lachance sauntered into the room, a tall, looming figure who did not look at all pleased to have Mattie as a dinner guest. "I hope you like meatloaf," he said tersely.

Waving a dismissive hand, Mattie laughed nervously. "Oh, I'll eat anything that's put in front of me as long as it's food."

Gordie snickered as Mr. Lachance scowled disapprovingly and Mattie winced and blushed. Walking over to the fridge, Mr. Lachance got himself a beer and said, "I'd offer you one too, Mattie, but I'm afraid in this household minors don't drink."

"I don't drink anyway, sir," she said. "Well I drink of course, because otherwise I'd die. But only like, water and milk and cranberry juice…" At this point, Mr. Lachance had lost interest in her and was checking what his wife was doing. Mattie sighed, looking up at Gordie with pleading, intimidated eyes. 

Gordie whispered almost inaudibly, "He's just testing you."

A blood-curdling scream came from upstairs, and the four people crowded in the kitchen stared at the ceiling in surprise. "You have about six seconds left to live, you BASTARD!"

Above them, they heard frantic pounding footsteps followed by a loud crash. "My head!" a male voice yelled. "Start running!"

More pounding footsteps ensued, accompanied by more high-pitched screams. Then something crashed to the floor, and they heard the tinkling of glass shattering. 

After a brief moment of silence, they began to yell again. 

"Look what you DID!"

"I didn't do it!"

"You flew into it and broke it!"

"They're gonna send you to JAIL!"

Mr. Lachance slammed the fridge door shut and climbed the stairs two steps at a time. 

The male voice cried, "Uncle John's coming!"

The girl screamed in horror. 

"Hurry, hide in the bathtub!" the boy yelled. 

"But it's wet!"

"Then behind the toilet! Quick, quick, quick!"

Mrs. Lachance shook her head mutely. "What on Earth gets into those two I'll never know."

Mattie stared at Gordie, concerned.

Shrugging, he said, "Tonight you will meet Toby's brother. They don't get along so well."

"I'm curious to see how you'll manage to scrounge up enough money to pay for that lamp, but you're going to find a way," Mr. Lachance's voice barked. 

"_Vincent_ broke it though!"

"You karate chopped me in the groin and I stumbled into the lamp! If you hadn't karate chopped me it wouldn't have happened!"

A look of amusement etched on her face, Mattie watched as an angered Mr. Lachance ushered a sopping wet Toby and her hobbling brother into the kitchen. 

"Mattie!" Toby cried, and hugged her. "Welcome to our happy home!"

"Why are you all wet?" Mattie laughed. 

"Because my stupid butt reaming brother attacked me with the shower head nozzle full spray. Good thing I'm not wearing white."

The boy grinned at Mattie and shook her hand. "Hi, I'm Toby's butt reaming brother Vincent. Nice to meet you."

The tension at supper could've been cut with a knife. Mattie was terrified about saying or doing something stupid. Gordie's father didn't say much, and she was sure that that was a bad sign. At several points during dinner, Gordie wished that Denny were there. He would like Mattie and his dad would trust Denny's judgement, and would like her too. 

"More potatoes, Mattie?" Mrs. Lachance offered. 

"Ooh, yes please." She accepted the bowl that was being passed to her. 

"So, Mattie, you're in the eleventh grade, are you?" Mr. Lachance finally asked. 

"Yes sir."

"And you're in Gordon's Creative Writing class?"

"Yep."

"Do you have aspirations to become a writer too?"

She took a sip from her glass of milk and wiped her mouth with her napkin for fear of a milk moustache. "Not particularly, no. I like the class though."

"Gordon will be furthering his education after high school in the fall."

"I know. He's very smart."

"Kind of puts a damper on the longevity of this so-called relationship, doesn't it?"

"Dad," Gordie said, shocked. 

"I don't know, sir," she replied quietly. 

"That's something to think about, wouldn't you say?"

Once the dishes had been cleared from the table and Gordie's mother had made it apparent that she didn't want Mattie's help washing them, the two of them went outside on the back porch to be alone. 

The night had a foreboding, biting chill in its air, but the smell of autumn was pleasant and crisp. It was quiet except for the slow creak of the porch swing as Gordie and Mattie gently swung back and forth on it. 

"What are you thinking about?" he murmured. 

"How much of a loser I'll look like if I start to cry."

"Ohh," he muttered softly, putting his fingers through her hair and urging her to rest her head on his shoulder. "Mattie…it's not your fault."

"I tried really hard," she insisted. The tremble in her tiny voice told him that she had begun to cry. "I'm not sure what I did wrong, but I wish I could do tonight over again. I really wanted your father to like me."

"You were perfect," he promised. "Really. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just him, Mattie. He's an unhappy man who's set in his ways. He's never really forgiven me for not being the one to die in that accident, so it wouldn't make sense if he were to accept you right away."

She sniffled. Even though Gordie's arms around her felt real and sincere, she didn't quite believe his words. 

"There's something wrong with him for not liking you, okay? My mom obviously liked you. Toby likes you. Vincent liked you. While we were clearing the table and you were helping my mom in the kitchen after supper, he actually asked me how I managed to get someone like you to look twice at me, to which Toby stabbed him in the hand with a fork…"

"Gordie, I'm so happy God made someone like you," she said suddenly. 

His laughter floated into the dark night. "Don't get all sappy on me, Mattie."

"It's true." She looked at him. "I am going to fall so in love with you it's not even funny."

"Is that a threat?"

She jabbed him in the stomach. "Shut up."

"I think I already have," he said. 

"Already have what?" 

"Fallen."

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"Fallen in _love_, dumbass, way to spoil a mood."

"You started it," she accused. "You laughed at me."

"I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

"Not on your life."

"Damn." He tried again. "How about now?"

As she kissed him, Gordie felt the smile on her lips.


	16. Lunch

****

Five Months Later

Silence had overcome the occupants of the table in the far corner of the cafeteria. Everyone sat chewing slowly, their eyes glazed. Toby was quickly growing irritated by the lack of conversation. She placed her hand over Chris' and whispered in his ear, "Watch me fling my applesauce at Sam."

Chris watched in amusement as his girlfriend meticulously loaded her plastic spoon with applesauce, then bent it backward with her finger. Together they watched the glob fly across the table and hit Sam between the eyes. They especially enjoyed watching it slide down the bridge of his nose.

Toby giggled in victory. "Bulls eye," she chuckled evilly. 

Chris patted her on the head. "That was a perfectly executed plan. I applaud you."

Appearing more confused than angry, Sam asked, "I suppose it wouldn't do any good to ask what that was all about?"

"Probably not."

Mattie and Gordie finally noticed the situation. Mattie tossed her napkin to him. "Did your lunch throw up at you?"

"No, but I think Toby did."

"Doesn't surprise me," Gordie muttered, then looked up at the clock on the wall. "We should go to the library now though guys."

"Why?" Toby howled, attaching herself to Chris' arm. 

"Because me and Sam both didn't do our algebra homework, and Chris is letting up copy his."

"Why can't you do that right here?"

"Because I like to cheat in peace and quiet," he said. He shoved back his chair and stood up. "Mattie, do we have Writing today?"

"What day is it--Friday? Nope."

"Okay, well," he said, and leaned over to kiss the top of her head. "We're still on for tonight?"

She smirked. "It's a date."

After they had watched them walk away and witnessed Sam slam into a garbage can, causing a table of freshmen girls to giggle like hyenas, Toby looked at Mattie. "So, Mattie."

Downing the rest of her milk, she grunted, "Heh?"

"I've been wondering about something."

"I wonder about many things. I often wonder about the Russians and if they are someday going to blow us up." She smiled. "I also wonder whatever I did with my conscience."

Toby pursed her lips together, looking like she was repressing comments. "Um, that's very nice, Mattie. I don't wonder about those things…but I do wonder about what's going to happen to you next year."

Mattie opened her mouth to speak, and then paused, the words caught in her throat. "You mean what I'm going to do when all of you graduate and leave for college."

Toby nodded, absentmindedly peeling the crust off of her sandwich. 

"I guess I'll jump and scream and be lonely."

"You jump and scream when you're lonely?

"Yes." She grinned, but it quickly faded. "I don't know, really. I guess I'll have to make new friends."

Empathetically, Toby nodded again. "You'll make lots of them, too. But what about Gordie?"

"There's letters and phone calls, I guess. And there's also Christmas and Thanksgiving and whatnot." She shrugged. "That is if he wants to keep a high school girlfriend."

"What's that mean?"

Looking down at her mostly eaten food, Mattie said, trying to sound indifferent, "He'll be in college and he'll be off being smart and important…and I'll be here being immature and not as interesting as all the girls he'll meet in college."

"Aww," Toby said, patting Mattie's head. "Gordie really cares about you Mattie. But I'd be lying if I said that he'd never dump you for a college girl, because I can't predict the future. But I do know that Gordie never shuts up about you, and when he isn't talking about you, he's thinking about you. So even if things don't work out, he's not going to stop loving you."

"That was sappy." Mattie giggled delightedly. "I loved it. Thanks!"

"I hope that whatever happens…" Toby stopped. She looked away and murmured, "I hope you're not lonely in the end."


	17. Twilight's Perfection

The early stars were like pinpricks in the twilight. The March weather had been lenient enough for Mattie and Gordie to not have to wear jackets that evening as they laid on a blanket on a secluded hilltop, and it had been a nice change from the practically sub-zero temperatures they'd endured that winter. But, the weather had turned cold and biting as the stars began to appear. They didn't mind. They were using each other for warmth. 

"I'm hungry," Mattie whined. 

"You're always hungry," he said back, equally as irritable. "I don't see why you won't just let me take you home. It's cold."

"Because I love you!" she giggled. "And we're spending quality time and you should be loving it too."

"Of course I am," he said, and snuck a kiss. He breathed in the sweet smell of her mane of hair. 

Curling her legs around his, she said, "I wonder what time it is."

"Is there somewhere you need to be?" he asked, kissing the hollow of her neck.

"Only right here," she replied cheerfully. She loved how the moonlight fell on the apples of his cheeks and she loved the light that it sparked in his eyes. Looking at him, she suddenly felt ugly. She was small and inferior sitting next to this perfect boy. She didn't understand why he wanted to be there with her. "Gordie?"

"Huh?"

"Why are you here?"

Taken back by the question and by the strange sound in her voice, he said, "Because you are."

"But why did you pick me?"

"Because you're special," he said, smiling. "You think I'm better than you or something?"

She paused to think. "When up next to you, yes."

"Mattie," he exclaimed softly. "That's crap."

"I don't think I'm good enough for you sometimes," she muttered.

"Well stop that," he said, a worried laugh in his voice. "You're perfect to me."

Smiling deeply, she rested her forehead against his and whispered, "Thank you, Gordie."

"Is something worrying you?" he wondered, concerned. He drew her closer so that she fit just right in his arms. 

With her cheek against his chest, she could feel the rise and fall of each breath and she could hear his heart through the fabric of his shirt. "Not really. It's just that sometimes I look at you, and you're just so overwhelmingly…perfect, I guess. And I just wonder why you want to be with someone so flawed."

"Mattie," he said. "Nobody's perfect, especially not me. But me and you together…that's perfection."

It was the writer in him that came up with the things he said, and she loved him for it. Because he was the one person that made her feel special and worth something. 

She touched the side of his face. When she spoke, he realized that her voice was as shaky as her hands were. "Gordie…"

"Huh?"

"May I make a proposal regarding tonight's activities?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes, I want to, Mattie."

"Right here?"

Right there, they became shadows under the twilight, and it was perfect.


	18. A car ride

"Gross," Mattie cried, sharply yanking her hand away from Will's clutch. "What have you got in your hand?"

He studied the smooshed blob in the centre of his hand. "It _was_ a spider…"

Groaning in disgust, she wiped off her hand in his hair, which he didn't seem to mind too much. 

"Can I take some bread and feed the pigeons?" he asked as they strolled slowly through the park. 

"Those are seagulls, but whatever, sure," she said, and handed him two pieces of Wonderbread from the loaf that they'd just bought from the grocery store. "Don't let them bite you, okay?" Keeping an eye on him, she rested on a park bench. 

The sun was too bright. There was no warmth that afternoon, however, and Mattie wished she'd made Will dress more warmly. 

But even her worrying about Will, which she did constantly, could take her mind off of Gordie. The night before had been an amazing delve into maturity. She'd felt complete for the first time in months. And she had felt total happiness for the first time since her mom died as well.

But she still couldn't shake the feeling of mediocrity. It didn't matter to her how sweet or reassuring the words he said to her were, she still couldn't help feeling that she wasn't good enough for him. It was March now, and they'd been seeing each other for about five months and already she felt how doomed that they were together. But she also felt how much she cared about him. He was so selfless and gentle and good…he was everything she wasn't. Nevertheless, she wasn't going to give him up. She needed something good in her life right now, and she could tell that he genuinely did feel something real for her. 

A shadow bathed her in its darkness, breaking her flow of thought. Looking up, she saw that it was that guy from the diner.

"Mattie, right?" He smiled smoothly. 

God Almighty, his voice was like velvet. It took her awhile to respond. "Uh, yeah. Ace?"

"You've got a great memory _and_ you're beautiful. Looks like I picked the right bench to park my ass on." He sat down close to her before she could say anything. She was acutely aware of his leg touching her bare knee, and fleetingly wished that her skirt were longer. "So, what's got you out and about this afternoon?"

She gestured to the paper bag sitting at her feet. "Getting some groceries. We were walking home and decided to take the scenic route through the park." She grinned and nodded her head toward Will. "Then he decided he wanted to feed the birds, so I'm just watching him to make sure the birds don't carry him away or something."

Confusion deepened Ace's brow. "That kid's yours? You must be older than I thought. You don't even look eighteen."

Laughing, she said, "That's because I'm sixteen. He's my brother."

"That's what I was hoping for," he said, smiling at her and looking directly into her eyes. "Well, Mattie, how's about we drop the little guy off with your parents and I take you for a drive or something? It'll be very scenic, if that's what you're after."

"Um," she murmured, thinking about Gordie and how he'd warned her about this Ace guy, but also how just going for a drive wouldn't hurt anything--except for maybe Gordie's feelings. "I have a boyfriend, Ace."

"That's cool. It's just a drive. Who's this guy? I'm sure he wouldn't mind you hanging out with other friends. He can't be that possessive of you."

Mattie burst out laughing as two seagulls chased Will and he ran to her as fast as his little legs could carry him. Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed. Mattie tried her hardest to stop laughing as she scooped him up onto her lap and stroked his hair to console him. 

"You're laughing!" he accused. 

"No I'm not," she lied. "What happened, buddy?"

"What do _you_ care, you're _laughing_."

Clearing her throat and getting her giggles under control, she promised, "I'm not laughing. Tell me what happened."

His sobs turned into sorrowful hiccups that caught in his chest. He choked out, "I just wanted to pet the pigeons but they were trying to eat the bread and I wanted to save the last chunk for the other birds because they'd already eaten some and I wanted to be fair like Jesus and so they--ATTACKED me!" 

"Oh," she said, willing herself not to laugh. The Jesus part had made her snort, but she was trying very hard. "Sounds…traumatizing." She snorted again, and covered her mouth with her hand. 

"I don't know what that means!" he wailed. "Are you making fun of me?"

"Of course not. Do you want to go home, Will? I'll make Sam play Monopoly with you."

"I hate Monopoly! Nobody lets me win and I can't count money and Sam always steals the shoe!"

"Okay, I totally understand. How about Candyland?"

His body shuddered as his tears slowed. "Deal."

Ace drove Mattie and Will home, and waited, resting his body against the steering wheel while Mattie brought her little brother inside. He watched her closely, studying everything from they way she flipped her chestnut hair over her shoulder to the way her hand folded over the boy's. She was a looker, this Mattie girl, and he'd noticed her from the moment she'd walked into the diner. She was also young, which was the way that he liked them. Young girls just barely post-pubescent, all sweet and impressionable. She was probably easy. At least, he hoped she was. 

Eventually, Mattie jogged down her front walk and climbed into the passenger side, all smiles. "Sorry that took so long. My brothers are complete retards."

"It's not a problem," he assured her, as he lightly stepped on the gas pedal, easing the car into his lane. "How many brothers you got?"

"Too many," she laughed. "I'm not sure. I've lost count. Sam--he's my older brother--he was all pissed off because he was waiting for Chris and Toby to come over and he didn't feel like entertaining Will."

"Chris and Toby?"

"Yeah, they're our friends. Sammy's got a thing for Toby."

"You mean Chambers and his little whore?"

Her smile immediately vanished and she looked at him. "They're my friends," she said defensively. 

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm friends with Chambers' brother."

She nodded. "Neat."

"So, who's the lucky guy?"

Gazing out the window as the trees outside got denser and the thickets turned into woods, she murmured, "Hmm?"

"You said you have a boyfriend." He looked over at her with a sheepish smile. "When I first saw you I knew I'd better snatch you up quick before some other guy got to you first. But I guess I'm too late, huh?"

She giggled. "Sorry to burst your bubble. His name's Gordie."

"_Lachance_?"

Beginning to feel aggravated and impatient, she demanded, "Don't tell me there's something wrong with Gordie. I know there isn't. I love him, you know."

He shook his head. "Mattie, I don't want to be the one to break it to you about your friends. It's not my place."

"Break _what_ to me?"

"I suppose you're hanging out with those two pussies Tessio and Duchamp, too."

"Vern and Teddy?" she asked. "Gordie said they used to be friends, and I've seen them around school, but I've never actually talked to them."

"Good, I'd stay away from them if I were you," Ace told her. A cloud of dust trailed behind the car when he turned onto a dirt road. "Tessio doesn't know his dick from a tree stump. And Duchamp…he's just fuckin crazy. He gets it from his old man. His dad's currently residing in a loony bin."

She fiddled with a piece of loose upholstery, and then glanced up at Ace. "What about my friends, Ace?"

"I don't think I should--"

"Just tell me what you think of them."

He sighed dramatically, but inwardly, he was feeling victorious. If he could get her away from her pansy ass friends, then they couldn't poison her against him, and that scored one for Ace. "Well…Chris comes from a bad family. His old man's a drunk"

"That's not his fault. My dad can't stop drinking either ever since what happened to my mom."

"Yeah, but his dad's had a bad influence on him. He's a thief. His brother Eyeball told me that he's rough with his little girlfriend too."

"That's not true," she said. "Have you ever seen them together?" She actually giggled for a moment. "They're just so…aww."

"Maybe it's a different story when they're alone. Anyways, Eyeball said that she just takes it."

"Well, I don't believe that. I can't see Toby taking shit from anyone."

Ace shrugged, and then dug around his glove department, finding a pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out and lit it, taking a long drag from it. "You only see what you want to. And your boyfriend…well…he's pretty fuckin weird."

"No, he's not," she snapped. 

"And his brother was a pussy too."

She stared at him wide-eyed. "How can you say that? Gordie said everyone loved Denny. He misses him so much."

"He just doesn't want you to know that his big brother was a freak like him."

Unconsciously defensive, she crossed her arms over her chest and rested her head against the window. "Would you mind putting that cigarette out? The smoke makes me feel sick."

He did as he was asked and then stopped the car. He peered closely at her. He placed a hand on her knee, and again she wished her skirt were longer. "Mattie? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'd like to know why we stopped though."

"Did I upset you?"

"Will you please not touch me?"

"Do I scare you, Mattie?"

"Nope."

"I think I kinda do." His smile was no longer smooth and his voice was not velvety; they were taunting. "I think you're thinking how if I were to try something funny way out here in the middle of nowhere on this dirt road…you'd have nowhere to go."

She glared at him. "So this is why you wanted to hang out with a sixteen-year-old girl."

His grin grew. "And why is that?"

"Because you thought I was stupid, and that I would let you do whatever because you're older and you're good looking and you have a nice smile." She shrugged. "Mustn't be getting too much action otherwise, hey?"

He touched the side of her face. "You're not stupid. You're pretty. I only settle for the best, Mattie, and that's you."

"I know I'm not stronger than you are, Ace," she murmured. "But if you get near me, I swear to God I'll bite it off."

He howled with laughter. "Wooh, if that's not a pick up line, I don't know what is."

"Fuck you. If you don't want to be singing soprano, take me home now."

She barely felt the blow to her head before her world went black.


	19. Dirty

****

[Author's note: I'm sorry for the cliffhanger guys!! I didn't even realize I'd done that! But thanks for all the feedback and your patience hehehe. Oh, and I love Ace and everything Kiefer Sutherland related too, but you gotta admit he was a creep in the movie! So he's a creep in my story :) Thanks for reading though!**]**

After watching him meander around the house all day with a secretive grin, Toby finally got frustrated with Gordie. She knew it had something to do with Mattie and their date the previous night, but she tried not to imagine what had happened. She helped him set the table that night, and stared at him while he went around the table putting silverware at each place with a content, thoughtful gaze on his face. 

"Gordie!" she snapped.

He looked up at her in surprise. "Yes?"

"Did you--" She cut herself off, willing herself not to shudder. "Never mind. I'm not going to ask because I know you did but I really don't want to discuss it with you because it's gross. But this silent cheerful disposition is disturbing me as well, so just go see her."

"Who, Mattie?" he wondered in an innocent voice.

"NO."

He handed her the remaining cutlery and then kissed the side of her head. "Thanks!"

"EWWWWWW!" she screamed. "You will never kiss me again!"

Mr. McRoyan, still a little hung over from the night before, asked at the supper table, "Is Mattie off with her little boyfriend tonight?"

"She dropped Will off here this afternoon," Sam told him quietly. He always felt a little resentful and uncomfortable around his dad after he'd been drinking. "She just said she was going out. So I assume she's with him, yeah."

Will shook his head. He had a milk moustache. "He wasn't Gordie."

The doorbell rang. Will sprung out of his seat to go answer. As Sam was wondering about who this guy was that their sister had gone off with, they heard a voice exclaim, "Williamson! Is Mattie around?"

Will said, "She's not here. We're having supper though, want some?"

"No," the visitor responded, and Sam knew it was Gordie. "Thanks. Do you know when she'll be back?"

"I haven't seen her since the park," Will replied. "I don't know."

"Okay, if she comes back, tell her that I stopped by, please. See you later Will."

Shoving back his chair, Sam walked quickly despite his socks slipping on the hardwood floor. "Gordie," he called.

Gordie had his back turned and was already descending down the front steps. Hearing Sam call his name made him turn around, but hearing the worry in his voice struck a feeling of dread in his stomach. "What's wrong?"

"Go back to the table," Sam muttered to Will. Even the six-year-old could sense the tension in Sam's eyes and voice, and he looked up at his older brother in concern, but did as he was told. "You haven't seen her, Gordie?" he whispered, clutching the doorframe tightly. 

A curtain of finality and sadness immediately fell over Gordie's face. "I haven't seen her since last night. Oh God, Sam, don't tell me something happened to her." 

"No--no," He muttered. "I'm sure she'll be home any minute now. You can wait here if you want, actually. I don't think it'll be long."

Nodding lifelessly, Gordie followed Sam into the living room and they sat down, not speaking. 

A half-hour, she still wasn't home. Will came into the living room where Sam and Gordie were still sitting soundlessly, and plopped onto Sam's lap. "Sammy," he complained. "Where's Mattie?"

"I don't know buddy," he said. "But listen, okay? I want you to tell me everything about the guy you said wasn't Gordie."

"What guy?" Gordie demanded sharply. "Why didn't you say something earlier, dammit?"

Will shrugged carelessly. "I don't think he told me his name. Gordie said dammit."

"What did he look like?" Sam snapped. "You have to remember that at least!"

Gordie looked up at the ceiling, and he knew exactly who the guy was. "Will, was he blond?"

"Yep. He only talked to Mattie. He never said anything to me at all. And he smelled like cigarettes. And he swore all the time. I started to count all the swears but I forgot what comes after nineteen."

"God," Gordie groaned, covering his face with his hands. 

"You know this guy, Gordo?" Sam asked softly. 

"Ace Merrill," he said, miserable and frustrated. "Fuck! I told her! I told her about him!"

Will's eyes doubled in size. "Gordie said--"

"Yes, I know what Gordie fucking said! Go upstairs!" Sam barked. After he ignored Will's injured look, he watched the boy climb the stairs in tears, and chided himself. This wasn't Will's fault. He just had no one else to take this out on, except for Gordie, but he looked like he was collapsing inside.

"I don't know what to do," Gordie murmured. 

"This guy is for real? He's really that bad?"

"He almost killed Chris once," he said. "And he wouldn't have thought twice about it."

"What happened?"

"I had a gun." Gordie shrugged. "I don't know what Ace will do to her. I just wish I knew where the fuck she was."

Mattie didn't know where she was when she woke up, just that she was cold, she hurt all over, and she wanted to go home. When she sat up, she winced in shock and pain. Her ribs hurt. Clutching her side, she looked around and discovered that she had been lying on a park bench. The same park bench where she'd been watching Will and the birds until Ace…

"Oh my God," she moaned, and her voice was guttural. She didn't even recognize it as her own. She didn't know anything at that moment, just that she needed to get home. 

The pain in her ribs was easing, and she thought that if she got moving around she'd hurt even less. So she carefully stood up. Taking her first tentative step, she felt a dull, bruised pain in her upper legs. And when she put a hand to her head, she felt caked blood. After a moment, she remembered what had happened to her head. That was when Ace had knocked her out. 

Shuddering whimpers escaped her lips as she realized what had happened. She was pretty sure she'd been raped. That would explain why her inner thighs felt so sore and bruised. She wasn't quite sure why he had brought her back to the park though. 

She just wanted to tell Gordie and have him make it feel better. He would make her feel less dirty and unclean. He would make her feel perfect again. If she could just tell him and if he would just hug her then maybe she wouldn't feel fucked. 

It was a great feat for Mattie not to collapse on her staggered walk home. Her thoughts were raging and confused and messed up. Her hand trembled as she opened the door to her house. 

It was past eight o'clock. In the hallway mirror she saw how awful she looked. Her dark brown hair was stringy and barely restrained in a loose ponytail. She couldn't actually remember putting it back in a ponytail…The blue eyes that Gordie told her sparkled now looked dead. Her cheeks were gaunt. The smile that had won Gordie Lachance the first day they'd met was gone and so was any trace or shadow of it. Instead, her mouth was drawn tightly at the corners. She turned away, repulsed by the girl looking back at her, and saw Simon and Nicky coming downstairs, staring cautiously at her. 

"You're in trouble," Nicky said. 

Simon averted his gaze to his feet, and jabbed Nicky in the side with his elbow. "You're not. But Sam's flipping out. And Gordie's here. They've been swearing a lot."

Wishing she would die, Mattie nodded solemnly. "Fine. Thanks."

"Mattie?" Sam's tense voice called from upstairs. "Is that you?"

"Yeah, she answered, and climbed the stairs. She found him and Gordie in Sam's room, Gordie standing, and watching out the window and Sam sitting cross-legged on his bed. As soon as she stepped into the room, Gordie ran to her and held her tightly. 

"Mattie," he breathed into her hair. 

As he held her, Mattie couldn't even put into actual feelings how corrupted and tainted she was. It seemed like everything she was afraid of was swimming in her veins and crawling over her skin. She couldn't tell him. He was so perfect. Who was she to allow something as dirty as her and her secret to infest his perfection? 

Moving so slowly that it appeared as though he was in pain, Sam peered up at her with tired eyes. "Just tell me where you were, Mattie."

"How about you tell me how that's any of your business first?" she said. 

"You had us worried sick!" Sam shouted. He hardly ever lost his temper, and Mattie was frightened at his outburst. "Don't you get it Mattie? We were scared! Do you know how selfish you are? Who the hell were you with?"

"You were with Ace," Gordie said flatly. 

His name scared even the butterflies in her stomach. "So?" she murmured. 

"Don't go around acting like a two-cent whore and then say 'so!'" Gordie barked at her with biting malice. 

"Fuck you!" she yelled back. 

He dragged a hand over his haggard face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

"Well you did." She glared at him. She was angry because he knew the truth without her having to tell him. She _felt _like a slut. "I'm not talking about this anymore."

"Yes you are!" Gordie snapped. "You are holding something back and I'm not putting up with that."

Praying that she wouldn't cry, she said, "You're going to have to try because I'm going to my room now." Spinning on her heels, she left Sam's room and went into her own. She tried to slam the door, but Gordie was right behind her and he hit the door with his arm as it slammed. 

"What did he do?" he cried. His voice was angry but his eyes were pleading and the hands that clutched her arms were shaking. "Why the hell did you go somewhere with him?"

"You're not my mother, Gordie!" she yelled. "I don't have to tell you about my every move! So what if I was late getting home, and so what if I went for a drive with a guy you don't like? It's none of your damn business!"

"Why are you protecting him?" he hissed. "Did he hurt you and now you're scared?"

"No. Now get the fuck out of my room."

"Fine." He raised his hand to touch her face but she jerked away like a frightened deer. It hurt him. But he murmured, "I still love you, Mattie. Don't forget."

She shook her head and whispered, "I love you too, okay?"

When he was gone, she collapsed on her bed, her entire body convulsing in sobs. Why had she lied? Why hadn't she allowed him to help her? And why had she covered up for that prick? 

Probably because he had fucked away everything good in her. His touch had corroded everything.


	20. Truth

It was June now. Soon, they'd all be leaving Castle Rock to start their lives. In spite of the increasing concern for Mattie, her brother and her friends eventually stopped trying to talk to her about why she seemed to have died that day, and why she hadn't come back to life. Mattie, who had lost almost every aspect of her smiling personality and now thought that everything bad that happened in the world was somehow because of her, told herself that they all just knew how horrible she was. She didn't blame them for not trying. 

"Um, excuse me, I think that's my finger you just bit," Toby's familiarly carefree voice said from downstairs. 

"You stuck it in my mouth," Chris told her, not very remorseful.

"I didn't stick my finger in your mouth. I tried to feed you this cookie. It's yummy. I am in awe of Sam's baking skills and I decided to share it with you."

Chris giggled. "Sammy's a baker man."

"Yeah well, you giggle like a nine-year-old girl," Sam shot back. "Toby, keep his attention off of me. He always has something mean to say to me."

"Aww, does it hurt your baker man feelings?" Chris taunted.

"Piss off," he muttered. 

"Okay, Toby, entertain me," Chris said. "Sam's sensitive."

"I'd love to entertain you, but I have to go visit the lavatory. I think I drank too much iced tea," Toby said. Giggling at Chris' lonely countenance, she poked him in the nose and padded down the hall and upstairs to the bathroom, which was the far room at the end of the hallway. She discovered that it was occupied, and began to hop around. 

After many aggravating, long seconds, the door opened slowly, and Mattie flipped off the light. When she walked out of the bathroom, she finally noticed Toby and the prancing she was doing. 

"What are you doing?" Mattie asked.

"This is my 'I have to piss like a racehorse' dance." She smiled broadly at her and then dashed into the bathroom, slamming the door. 

Once she had completed her mission in the bathroom, Toby came out, and gently knocked on Mattie's bedroom door. 

"Yeah, it's open," Mattie said softly. 

Pushing the door open, Toby entered her room for the first time in weeks. Everything looked the same…except for her mother's picture was no longer on the bedside table. Only an empty picture frame remained. She looked at Mattie, who was sitting with her legs folded under her on her bed. There was a paperback book in her hands, but she was not looking at the pages; she was gazing curiously up at Toby. "Hi."

"Hi, Mattie," she said softly, in a voice that one might use to talk someone out of jumping off the roof of their house. "How are you?"

"I'm okay." She raised the book slightly. "This is a good book."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"To Kill a Mockingbird," she replied, and after glancing down at it for a moment, she looked back at Toby. "Do you want to talk to me about something?"

"Not in particular, no," Toby said indifferently, perching herself on the edge of the bed. "I just thought that you were missing all the action downstairs. So I decided to bring the action upstairs to you. Plus, I thought I'd inform you that your somewhat estranged boyfriend is coming over when he's finished cleaning out the garage."

Offering her a phony smile, Mattie said, "Thanks. But I'm not missing out on anything. You are, by being up here with me. Isn't Chris here? You should be with him to make sure that Sam doesn't kill him so he can have you all to himself."

"Christopher bit me," Toby said brightly. "And he's busy making fun of your brother's handiness around an oven."

Mattie laughed. The sound sent shivers down Toby's spine because it was so unreal. "I often wonder about Sam's many obscurely feminine talents." She shrugged. "But his cookies are good. You should go downstairs and eat them."

Although she looked torn, Toby resisted. "You can't get rid of me that easily. I do love cookies…but no. I'm strong and I have much willpower. Why do you want to be alone so badly?"

"Me? It's not that--it's just that--" She looked away. "You should be having fun with them. Not here with me."

"Where did you put your mom's picture?" Toby asked abruptly. 

"Under my pillow," she replied, laying her hand lightly over the flowery pillowcase. "That way I dream about her and not him." An upset blush spread over her face and she shook her head, unsure of how to cover up for what had slipped out of her mouth. "Whatever." 

"It's okay, Mattie," Toby murmured reassuringly. "I know who you're talking about. You can tell me what happened with him, you know."

"With who?" Mattie asked, trying to look apathetically blank. 

"Ace Merrill. Ace. You haven't been happy since you went wherever you did with him. I know the guy, and I think I probably know what happened, and why you're so sad and why you're scared to tell anyone." She leaned forward. "I understand why you don't want to talk to your brother or your father or Gordie. They're all guys and they don't understand what this would be like for a girl. But I'm just another girl, Matt, and I'm your friend. You're going to talk to me right now, okay?"

Studying her friend's face, Mattie wondered about her. Toby was pretty if you looked close enough. There was something unthreatening about her, and she was small and vulnerable herself. She was her friend. Trusting tears flowed in torrents down Mattie's face, and she wanted to tell her but she couldn't think of how to say it.

"Okay, okay," Toby whispered, and hugged her. "Don't cry, Mattie. Don't cry over him. He doesn't deserve that."

"God, Toby," Mattie choked out. "He's been _inside_ of me and I don't know how to get him out!"

"I know," she said quietly. "It's awful what he did to you. You're okay though, you're really going to be okay."

Mattie's entire body was shaking like a leaf. She felt lighter now that Toby knew. But she wasn't going to be able to stop crying, not for a long time. 

"I don't think any less of you," Toby said. "In fact, I think you're very strong. And no one else is going to think this is your fault or that you're trashy or anything like that."

"No one else needs to know!" Mattie cried. 

"Oh, Mattie, you're going to die if you keep this inside."

"Your uncle already thinks I'm a slut!" she said heatedly.

"You're not!" Toby insisted. "You've been assaulted. That dumb fuck doesn't get to make you feel like this and just get away with it. You need to get help."

"I don't need help. It's just something that happened. He's just a guy and it's something that guys do."

"What the hell are you on?" Toby demanded. "Guys do not act like that! Only assholes like Ace rape sixteen-year-old girls for fun on Saturday afternoons. I know that Gordie's never tried to take advantage of you. And I've been close with Chris since I was fifteen and now I'm eighteen and he's always treated me with _respect._ I don't know what people have been telling you, but every girl deserves some fucking respect. Don't you dare let Ace make you think that you deserve less respect than everyone else, and that all guys are like him because they're not."

"Ace told me that Chris doesn't treat you very well and that you just take it," Mattie said. 

"You believe that?"

"No."

"Good. Because it's bullshit," Toby said adamantly. "Chris has never touched me." She smiled to herself. "Well, he does…but not in a violent way…" She giggled. "But you probably don't want to hear about those occasions. What pisses the hell out of me is how set on not being like his dad Chris is; yet everyone thinks he's going to be just like him. Lots of people think that Chris hits me around. Every time I get like a bruise or something, everyone's all 'oh you poor thing, how can you put up with how he treats you' and shit like that. They don't have a clue as to how Chris treats me. He'd never hurt me."

"He treats you like the last cookie in the jar," Mattie laughed. Her tears had stopped flowing, but her face was still wet and she was still shaking. "He savors you and wants you all to himself."

Toby laughed too. "Um, yeah, okay, that too. Very nice simile there, Mattie."

"You can tell them," Mattie said. "But please, I don't want anyone else to find out besides you and Gordie and maybe Chris and Sammy. I know that I need help, but that's why I have you guys for friends."

"Okay." She patted Mattie's hand. "You're pretty brave you know, Mattie."

"I'm also pretty scared."


	21. Missing Him

The next evening, Gordie stopped by at the McRoyan's house. Simon answered the door. "Sam's in the kitchen. We're trying to get him to make cupcakes."

"Thanks," Gordie said. He had become even quieter than usual. "But I'm here to see your sister."

"No shit!" Simon marveled. "Well, she's up in her room. I'll go get her." Running up the stairs, he yelled, "MATTIE YOU'RE WANTED!"

Gordie listened with a relieved amusement as a door upstairs burst open and Mattie barked, "It is NOT my turn to clean up after Sam! You tell Sam he can wash his own damn muffin tins!"

"We're making him bake cupcakes!" Simon said brightly.

"I don't _care, _I'm not his maid," she told him indignantly. "Are you leaving now?"

"Of course not, maids get paid. You're just a servant." After he'd relished in his unappreciated wit, he told her, "Sam doesn't want you to wash anything. It's Gordie that wants to see you."

"You ass goblin, why couldn't you have told me that to begin with?" Pushing him out of the way, she trampled down the stairs. "Gordie," she said breathlessly when she saw him standing alone in the front foyer. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see if you wanted to join me for a walk," he said. His knees felt like jelly. Just seeing her brought back the infatuation from when he'd first met her. 

"I'm not really dressed," she said, looking down at her loose jeans and faded blue tanktop. Those were the clothes she slept in, not walked in. 

"It's dark," he assured her with a smile. "No one will be able to see you. And you look nice anyway."

"Liar," she teased, returning the smile. This was the first time the two had said more than ten words hat a time to each other since March. And it was the first time they'd stood facing each other out of choice. Mattie could barely restrain herself from telling him how much she loved him and missed him. "But I'll come with you anyway."

As they walked side by side, Gordie wondered if she would allow him to take her hand. Then she stuck her hands in her pockets and he decided she probably didn't really feel like being touched. For the first few minutes, they strolled slowly through the neighborhood in silence. 

Clearing his throat nervously, Gordie asked, "So are you excited about grade twelve next year?"

Shrugging her narrow shoulders, she replied, "No, not really. I don't have too many friends in my own grade and you guys are all gonna be gone."

"You're going to miss us?"

"Yeah," she said, the amazement she felt towards his stupid question clear in her voice. "What do you think?"

"Could've fooled me."

"Look, just because I haven't been the life of the party for awhile doesn't mean--"

"If you were worried about missing us then you should have been spending as much time with us as possible."

"Don't be a jerk, Gordie."

He looked over at her. Under the halo of a streetlamp, he saw Mattie as beautiful for the first time in a long time. "Toby told me what happened."

Mattie flinched. She quickened her walk, and Gordie had to pick up the pace to keep up with her. "Yeah, I told her she could," she muttered. 

"At first I wanted to find him and kick his ass very painfully," Gordie continued. "But then I thought that that wouldn't help anything. I'd probably just get charged with battery or something. And you wouldn't be any less raped."

"Right," she mumbled in quiet agreement. 

"What were you thinking, Mattie?" he asked, with gentle force. "I told you to stay away from him. Yet you go and climb in a car with him."

Mattie looked upset. "Don't you think I've asked myself that? I have no _idea_ why I did what I did! It's been three months and I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong! I did everything wrong that day, I know! I didn't think about you enough, and I didn't trust my bad feelings about him enough and this is where it got me. So don't try to make me feel worse than I already do!"

"I'm not," he insisted. "I'm not."

"You are." 

"I just have a lot of questions about what happened that day, I guess."

"Yeah, well, I don't have a lot of answers." She held her arms close to her body. The light wind in the spring air was a bit chilly that night. "I feel like shit, Gordie. I thought that you could make that stop."

"If you had just been honest from the beginning then maybe I could have!" he flared. "I'm your boyfriend! You said you love me! But you couldn't tell me the truth to reassure me after you'd just scared the hell out of me. I need you too Mattie, and you have not been there for _me, _so how can you expect me to be there for _you?_"

"_Me_ be there for you when _I'm_ the one who got raped?" she snapped. "How does that work?"

"How the fuck was I supposed to be there for you! You wouldn't even let me within five feet of you! Do you know how lonely I have been?"

"You think this was my fault!" she accused, and then barked sarcastically, "Yeah, I just begged him, Gordie, because you were lousy the night before and I wanted a real man! Good _God_!"

"I don't blame you!" he cried, taking a firm hold of both of her arms. "I am just trying to tell you that you haven't made this easy on me either! It's like you died, but I still had to see you every day! You might as well have been dead, because I couldn't touch you or talk to you."

"I'd rather _be_ dead!" she shouted.

"You know what, Mattie, you just go ahead and keep on dying for the rest of your life," he hissed. "But I'm not going to sit back and watch you do it. And don't think that I'm going to save you."

"You're supposed to love me!" she cried, tears like tainted diamonds in her bright blue eyes. 

"And _you _told me that you were going to fall in love with me, so I guess we're even!" 

"I _did_, and that's why this hurts so much!" she yelled, yanking her arms away from his grip. 

"You're too scared to let me love you to have time to fall in love with anyone," Gordie said coldly. "You've always been scared that you're not good enough for me. You can't love anyone when you think like that. You just don't understand that love is what makes you good. And if you don't think you're good, then you can't love."

"Have fun in Portland, Gordie," she said, her chin raised squarely. "Write some good ones, okay?"

"You want to say your good-byes now?" he asked incredulously. 

She nodded. "You're walking out of my life right now, so I might as well say goodbye while I still can." 

He kissed her forehead. "Good luck with…life, I guess. I'd walk you home but I'm supposed to be walking away from you, apparently."

Mattie watched him walk away from her until he turned the corner and was out of sight. His thin shoulders were rounded as he trudged along with his head down, making him look defenseless. She'd never loved him more than she did at that moment. She knew she wouldn't stop missing him for a long time. 


	22. If Only's

Sweet, warm smells filled her nose as she entered her house. Evidently, Sam had been persuaded to make cupcakes. Mattie kicked off her shoes, and shuffled into the kitchen. 

"Mattie, guess what Sam's letting me do," Will said proudly upon seeing her.

"What?" she asked, and rustled his fine hair. 

"Put the sprinkles on!"

"Well, isn't that just generous of him," she said. 

"So how'd your experience with fresh air go?" Sam asked conversationally. 

She looked at him pointedly, but said nothing in response. Grabbing a cookie, she moved towards the stairs leading to her bedroom, but Sam followed after her, closing his hand tightly around her skinny arm. "Don't disappear up there again," he snapped. "I think me and you should talk. I'll be right back. You go into the living room." He went back into the kitchen and exclaimed, "Will, are you eating the sprinkles? That's not your job!"

"I'm not eating the sprinkles, I was sprinkling them and they bounced into my mouth!" Will protested. 

Mattie was sitting tentatively on the edge of the loveseat with her hands folded on her lap when Sam came in, looking defeated. 

"Your cupcakes smell good," she observed. 

"Yeah, well, you're going to be eating sprinkles-less cupcakes. Will ate the whole jar."

"Someone's going to be vomiting rainbow sprinkles all night, hey?" she said with a smile. 

"Actually, they were green, not rainbow." He parked himself on the rocking chair. "I don't want to talk about Ace, so stop looking like that."

"Looking like what?" 

"Scared." He cleared his throat. "I just want to tell you that I miss you."

She raised her eyebrows. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he told her. "I know you've been pretty lonely and sad and everything, but no one ever stopped loving you, you know."

"Gordie did," Mattie said quietly. 

"No he didn't--" Sam tried to protest, but she interrupted him. 

"We just broke up."

He breathed a humorless laugh. "Didn't see that one coming."

"I didn't either, but if I'd been thinking about anyone else beside myself, I would have," she said. "I wasn't fair to him. To anyone."

"Mattie, I don't think you needed to worry about being fair when you had just been…assaulted."

"No, Sam, Gordie was right. Don't try and act like a protective big brother now, okay?"

"I never did act like a protective big brother," he muttered. 

"Oh, shut up," she sighed. "Don't even blame yourself. That's not what I was talking about."

"Well, God, Mattie, if I would have just asked you where you were going and with who, maybe I could have just…prevented…"

She shook her head. "Sammy, I've gone through just about every single 'if only I had just done this or if only I hadn't done that…' scenario possible. It won't change anything. It happened. It wasn't anyone else's fault except for Ace's." 

Lowering his head, he agreed, "I know." Looking back up at her, he asked, "So…you and Gordie…it's over?"

"I'm gonna miss him, Sammy," she said, her eyes brimming with tears. 

"Frick, don't start crying," he sighed helplessly. "I hate it when girls cry."

"I just wish this hadn't happened," she whimpered. "Everything is so screwed up."

Sam raked his hands through his hair. Even now, he still had no idea what to do to comfort his sister. He knew that she needed some solace, but he didn't know what to do. For months he'd been waiting for the feeling of inadequacy as an older brother to pass, but he was still just as useless as ever. Nothing had changed with time. 

"I keep thinking that if Mom hadn't died, then this stuff with Ace would never have happened. But if Mom hadn't died…" Covering her face with her hands, she cried harder. "If Mama hadn't died, I never would've found Gordie." She looked up at him miserably. "Oh my God, Sammy, how awful can I get?"

"You're not awful at all, Mattie," he told her. "I know you loved Mom, and I know you love Gordie. Once you come to love someone, it doesn't matter how you got there, just that it's love and that's all that matters."

Mattie's eyes were rimmed with red and they were sad, but the way she looked at him was loving. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Say things like that." Her tiny, tear stained face was lit up by a broken hearted smile. "You know, you've always been good at making me feel better when I'm sad."


	23. Grow Up

As the sun pierced her tightly drawn blinds, and the morning sun fell over her face one morning about two weeks into the summer, Mattie slowly realized that this morning felt lonelier than others for a reason. Today was the day that Gordie was leaving Castle Rock for Portland, her hometown. Lying very still for a moment with her hair splayed across the pillow carelessly and her eyes locked on the ceiling, she debated whether or not she should go say goodbye to him. 

__

No. He's already said goodbye to you. Don't make this harder.

She rolled over onto her side, suddenly feeling tired and winded, she knew that she would always feel empty and contempt for herself if she didn't. This was Gordie she was thinking about. He was the first boy she'd ever loved, the first boy she'd ever actually kissed. He meant the world to her, and if she didn't see him one last time before he went off and started his new college life that didn't include her, she wouldn't forgive herself. 

But she didn't know how to even look at him. Would she hug him? Would she pat him on the shoulder and just wave goodbye? Maybe she should just phone him.

Interrupting her thoughts, the doorbell rang as if on cue. Downstairs, she listened to her brothers scramble to answer it. 

"Hi!" Will and Simon both greeted their visitor in unison. 

"Wow, thanks for the welcoming committee, gentlemen," Chris laughed. "Is your sister home?"

"She's still in bed," Simon said. "I'd be willing to wake her up though."

Mattie appeared at the top of the stairs. "How nice of you, Simon," she said. "Hey Chris."

"Mattie," Chris said, smiling. "Aren't you just a lovely sight in the morning."

"Yes, I'm just naturally stunning."

Laughing again, Chris nodded in agreement. "Sure. Anyway, me and Toby are driving Gordie to the train station in Eugene. It's not too far from here. I just wanted to see if you wanted to come along for the ride."

"But…Gordie's going to be there," she said.

"Keen observation, Captain Brilliant," he praised her. 

"He wouldn't mind if I came?"

Chris shook his head. "Nah."

Leaning against the railing and thinking, Mattie finally said, "No."

"_No?_"

Thinking to herself for a long moment before she answered, she repeated, "No. I want to, Chris, but I think it would be best for Gordie just to not have to see me again."

"Mattie," Chris said in a quietly intense voice. "My best friend is waiting in that car outside. He is scared to death about having to talk to you again, but right now, it's all he wants. You know he's in love with you. You're the only thing in this town he loves that he's leaving behind. And you expect me to walk back to the car without you? You want to let him leave with a broken heart?"

"I didn't break Gordie's heart," Mattie said incredulously. 

"He's feeling what you're feeling!" he exclaimed. "Tell me that it doesn't hurt like hell!"

"Shut up!" Mattie cried. "You can't lecture me about broken hearts! You've never had a broken heart! You and Toby have this stupid fucking fairy tale romance going on and you don't know anything about losing the first person you've ever loved so back the fuck off!"

"What the hell is your problem?" Chris demanded. 

"I can't do it!" she cried. "I'm sorry, Chris, I don't mean to yell at you. But if I see him, I won't be able to let him go again without wanting to die."

Staring at her in disbelief, Chris asked, "You tell yourself this fucking melodramatic shit, and you actually believe it? What you just said--it's not true. You won't want to die if you have to see him again, you're going to want to die if you don't see him."

Mattie shrugged. "Yeah, well, whatever. Either way I'm dead."

"Grow up, Mattie. Stop playing the victim."

"Tell Gordie I'm sorry, but that I say goodbye. And good luck."

"He never knew you loved him," Chris said flatly, his hand on the door.

"He should've," she replied.

"You're gonna make him leave thinking that no one here loves him?"

"He can think what he wants. It's not my fault he couldn't feel what I felt for him."

"Yeah, you tell yourself that," Chris said. He pushed open the front door and made his way down the walk, careful not to step on the freshly mowed grass. Mattie tried not to look at the car, knowing she would just see Gordie's hopeful face grow disappointed when he saw Chris walking alone. 

She turned and saw Will and Simon still standing in the front entrance, both staring at her with fish-eyed expressions. "Can I help you?" she asked. 

"I've never heard so much swearing in all my _life,_" Will said in impressed amazement.

"Sorry buddy," she said. 

Simon looked up at her. "After Mom died, I always wondered if she knew that I loved her. And if she hadn't known, there was no way I'd be able to tell her. Did you ever feel that way?"

"Mom knew I loved her, Simon," Mattie said dismissively. 

"Did Gordie?" He shrugged. "I think you should've gone. Come on, Will, I'll show you how to break stuff." They walked away, Will skipping happily at Simon's side. 

Mattie burst through the front door, to see Chris' beaten up old car at a stop sign at the end of the street. She knew they were too far away, but she called Gordie's name anyway. "You moron, you knew I loved you!" she yelled. 

The car turned left. In a few seconds, it was out of sight, and it wasn't until years later that she saw Gordie or Toby again. As for Chris, the next time she saw him, he was in a box.


	24. 1985

"Mom, tell Elizabeth to get away from my fish!"

"I'm nowhere near his fish!" 

"She's _poking_ it with a _fork_!"

Brushing her hair out of her face, Mattie Brooks ignored her children's arguing and turned up the radio. Total Eclipse of the Heart was playing. She began to sing along as she searched through the cupboards for something easy to make for breakfast. They were all out of cereal. 

"Honey, are you going to do something about the fish?" her husband, Mark, asked conversationally, coming into the kitchen, wrestling with his tie. "I think Elizabeth might shishkabob it."

Smiling, she went over to him and helped him tame the tie. "Great. Maybe we could fry it up for breakfast."

"No cereal?"

"There's Raisin Bran. But no one eats healthy cereal except for Rachel and me. And Rachel's not up yet."

"She's a teenager now, my dear. She only awakens when it starts to get dark."

"Are you saying my thirteen-year-old daughter is a vampire?"

Two screaming children raced into the kitchen, looped around the table and then ran back into the living room. They were in the room for a total of about three seconds, but they managed to knock the calendar off the wall and overturn a chair. 

"May I ask why Riley was bouncing?" Mark asked. 

"You _could_ ask that, but first you'd have to ask where the Sugar Bombs went."

"Ah. I understand." He kissed her cheek. "I'll pick something up on the way to work. I'm running late. Don't let the kids tie you up or anything. How's Rachel getting to gymnastics today?"

"Her friend April's giving her a ride. Have a good day, Mark."

When he was gone, she continued on her search for food. Eventually, she decided she'd be able to think better if she wasn't working on an empty stomach, so she got out the box of Raisin Bran. Peering into the box, she jumped, startled. "Elizabeth!" she yelled. "Get in here!"

Elizabeth, the equivalent of a tornado or hurricane or some other natural disaster once you got sugar in her, appeared in the kitchen, with her younger brother Riley at her side. "Yeah?" she chirped. 

"Why is Barbie's head in the box of Raisin Bran?"

"She and Ken had a fight over who should get the microwave. They had a bitter divorce." She smiled proudly. "Ken got mad. You should see where her other body parts are hidden."

"Have you and Daddy been watching late night horror movies again?" Mattie asked pleasantly. 

"Yep! Have you ever seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers?"

"No." She tossed the doll head to her daughter. "Let's try to keep the murdering of our toys down to a minimum, shall we?"

"Well, I'll see what I can do. But once Ken gets out of jail…" Elizabeth raised her eyebrows at her mother. "You know. Things could get ugly."

While Mattie stood, wondering if eight-year-old Elizabeth was reading True Crime magazines for fun, Riley sneezed violently. 

"Gross, Mom, Riley didn't cover his mouth," Elizabeth whined. 

"Wanna hear a joke, Mom?" Riley asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"Use a Kleenex next time," Mattie said. "Please tell me your joke, Riley. I would be delighted."

"What do a Rubik's cube and a wienie have in common?" Riley waited for a moment, figuring he had stumped his mother, when really she was just in awe. He started to laugh. "The more you play with them, the harder they get!"

Mattie's mouth gaped open. "Who told you that?" she demanded. 

"Uncle Will. I don't really get it but it's funny anyway!" 

"I may have to have a talk with your uncle about telling body part jokes to my six-year-old son." 

He'd been missing her lately. He had a wife and three kids now, but every once in awhile, his thoughts turned to his old girlfriend, and he wondered about how she was doing. He hadn't talked to her in twenty years, but sometimes he still kind of kept in contact with her older brother. 

Right now though, he needed to talk to her. 

The evening before when Toby had called him with the news, Gordie had phoned up Sam McRoyan. It had been about six months or so since they'd talked, and it had been nice to hear his voice. Sam had been pretty upset with what he had had to tell him, but he had told Gordie that there was another old friend that he ought to phone. He gave him his sister's phone number in Salem. 

Gordie had been sitting in the room he did his writing in, looking from the phone to the slip of paper he'd written the phone number on, for over an hour. He heard his wife call to him that she was taking the kids clothes shopping. Finally, he picked up the phone.

"Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be," Mattie gently sang to herself. Her kids hated it when she sang, but she didn't much care. "But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am."

"Mom, knock it off!" Riley cried irritably. "I'm trying to watch TV!"

"It's too early for TV!" Mattie called back. "Turn it off and read a book!"

"I _can't _read!"

The phone rang, and she crossed the small kitchen to answer. "Please try not to scream too much while I'm on the phone, okay?"

"Why?" Elizabeth, who was helping her mother make oatmeal, asked. 

"Because it could be someone important."

"Like who?"

"Like _God_," Mattie answered hastily. "Go play." She picked up the receiver and said, "Hello?"

"Yes, is Mattie McRoyan available?"

It never ceased to annoy her when people called her by her maiden name. Resting against the counter, she replied, "This is she. And it's not McRoyan."

"Sorry, Mattie. This is Gordie Lachance."

"Gordie?" she gasped. 

"Do you remember me?"

"Gordie! Of course I do!" A smile grew widely on her face. "How are you?" she asked eagerly. 

"I'm doing good. Making it in the writing world."

"I always knew you would!" she said. "I'm proud of you, Gordie." 

Suddenly, Mattie felt guilty. She was happily married now, and she had three beautiful kids with this man, even though two of the kids were sugar demons, and the oldest slept when she wasn't busy being perfect in all of her extracurricular activities. She loved her family, no matter how much they pushed her buttons sometimes. Yet, when she heard Gordie's voice, she was strongly attracted to him. Twenty years later and he still turned her into silly putty. 

"Thanks," he said. "What about you? Your brother told me you've got the whole white picket fence thing happening."

She laughed. "Far from it. But yeah…I've got a great family now."

Someone screamed shrilly in one of the far bedrooms. "Get that the HELL away from me! MOM!"

"Is that your family screaming?" Gordie asked nonchalantly, but Mattie could tell that he was smiling.

"I think my children are attempting fratricide." She held the phone away from her mouth and yelled, "Riley! What are you doing?"

"I'm watching TV!" Riley yelled back from the living room. 

"I told you to turn that off!" 

Rachel, a tall, wispy girl, stormed down the hallway, clutching Elizabeth by the hair. "Mother, your daughter put a fish on my face!"

"Elizabeth!" Mattie cried, shocked. "Is the fish okay?"

"I hated that fish," Elizabeth said, a triumphant smile on her face. "Can we get a cat now?"  
"You killed your brother's fish?"

"You killed Goldie?" Riley screamed. He stampeded into the kitchen and lunged at Elizabeth.

"Watch the dishwasher!" Mattie ordered. "Rachel, will you flush the fish down the toilet for me? And maybe herd these two into another room? I'm on the phone."

"My BRAIN! You loosened my BRAIN!" Elizabeth was groaning. "It's oozing! It's OOZING!"

"Go fight in the bathroom! And close the door behind you! And don't split your heads open on the bathtub! Or swallow any pills!" Mattie sighed as Rachel ushered Elizabeth and Riley down the hallway. "Hello," she said to Gordie.

"What lovely children you produced," Gordie laughed. 

"Thanks, I tried," she replied. "Anyway, what have you been up to in the last twenty years?"

He paused. "Umm…I'm sorry, Mattie, but I didn't really call to catch up or reminisce."

"Well good," she said. "That would take a while."

"I'm just phoning to tell you…there's a funeral in Portland…and I think you should come."

"A funeral?" Mattie ran a hand through her hair. She hadn't talked to any of her friends from her "Gordie Days," as she called them, in two decades, but the news caught her off guard and sunk her stomach. 

"Chris died last week," he said quietly. 

"Chris? What happened?" 

"He was trying to settle an argument between two guys in a restaurant, and one of them stabbed him."

"Oh my God," she breathed. For a moment, all she could think of was his bravely weathered smile and how he always tried to mend the rifts between people. He'd been a peacemaker till the very end. How could she have let such an amazing person leave her life? The last time she'd ever talked to him, they had a fight, when all he did was try to help her remain friends with Gordie. 

"Mattie?" he asked. She'd gone quiet for too long. "You still there?"

"I'm still here," she replied. "I'm so sorry, Gordie. I know how good of friends you guys were and how much he meant to you."

"Actually--I, um, actually hadn't talked to him in close to ten years. I read about it in the paper." His voice was growing thick. Mattie could tell he was close to tears. "But the funeral is this weekend in Portland, and I think you should come."

"Of course I will," she said, but then stopped. "But my kids, Gordie. I can't leave them here alone, and I think my husband works so he won't be able to take care of them."

"Bring them. They can stay with my wife and kids at the hotel." He cleared his throat. "And I really want to see you, Mattie. And I'm sure Toby will, too. Sam will be there…it's going to all our old friends, you have to come."

"But Chris won't be there," she said.

"Sure he will."


	25. Journey to Portland? an example of a lam...

The kids hated each other. From the backseat, Rachel was griping about why she had to sit in the middle. On her last nerve, Mattie explained it was to keep Elizabeth and Riley apart. Rachel said that it wasn't doing much good because the little monsters were reaching around her, trying to kill each other. 

Mattie rested her head against the window, grateful that she didn't have to drive. Mark had taken time off work for her so he could come along. He had a feeling that she wouldn't enjoy having to look after Rachel, Elizabeth and Riley when she had other things on her mind. 

"You okay?" he asked, looking over at her briefly after he had just passed a slow moving car with an Idaho license plate. 

"I'm okay. Just thinking." She gave him a smile. "But the kids are driving me nuts."

"That's to be expected," Mark laughed. 

"Mom, Riley's trying to eat my hair," Elizabeth whined. 

"I'm hungry! I want spaghetti and meatballs!" Riley said, a frightening ravenous animal-like growl deep in his throat. 

"Ooh, honey, I could go for spaghetti and meatballs too," Mark joined in. 

Elizabeth announced irritably, "Well, Mother, now he's _eaten_ a strand of my hair."

Mattie leaned around her seat. "Riley, don't eat other people's hair without their permission. Eat the sandwiches I made for the ride instead."

"Ooh, food for my tummy." He inspected the sandwich that Rachel pulled out of the small, travel-size cooler for him. "I hate balogna. I'd rather die. I'd rather die puking and flopping around like this--"

"You liked it this morning when you told me to make it. Stop flopping and eat the sandwich!"

"GACK! The mutant balogna is eating me alive! Mom! Help! It's got my eyeballs!"

Rachel sighed. "I don't see why I had to come to stupid Portland. I have a soccer tournament this weekend and I'm missing it to stay at a cheap hotel with some people I don't even know so my mother can go to a funeral for some guy. It's not fair."

"This weekend is important to you mom, Rache," Mark said patiently. "Don't hurt her feelings."

"Well it's not important to me. I've never even heard of this guy that died," she pouted.

Mark put a hand over Mattie's. "I haven't either, Mattie. Wanna talk about him?"

"Uhhh, no, not very much, thanks."

"Was he an old boyfriend of yours?"

She shook her head. "No. But his girlfriend was my best friend when I was sixteen." Shrugging, she squeezed his hand. "Chris was just a very special person, Mark. I don't think you can even describe him."

"I think someone had a crush on him," Mark teased.

"I didn't!" she insisted, smiling. "But his best friend was another story…"

"Oh, a twinge of jealousy right in my heart," he laughed. 

"I gotta go to the tinkle dinkle room," Riley announced.

"Well, I'll let you know when we get to one," Mattie told him. 

"So…uh, did you ever go out with this guy?" Mark asked casually.

Grinning, she replied, "What's it to ya?"

"I'm just curious!"

"Uh-huh," she giggled. "Yeah I did."

Rachel piped up, "You talked to other guys before you knew Dad?"

Mattie laughed harder. "Yep."

The topic of romance always captured Rachel's attention. "What was his name? Was he cute? Did you love him? Am I his real daughter? How long did you go out with for? Why'd you break up?"

"Uh…" Mattie attempted to make sense of Rachel's bombardment of questions. "Well, uh, his name was Gordie, and I personally thought he was really cute--"

"Cuter than Dad?" she interrupted. 

Shooting a playful look to her husband, she said, "We'll have to discuss that later. We can't hurt Daddy's feelings. I'm kidding, Mark, stop scowling like that. Anywho, let's see. You're not Gordie's daughter. I haven't seen him since I was 16. You may, however be the result of an affair I had with a monkey back in the day. Umm, I only went out with Gordie for seven months. And two of those months we kinda didn't talk much. Then he broke up with me because I was selfish."

"You didn't ask the most important question!" Rachel cried. "Did you love the guy?"

"I hate this conversation," Mark grumbled. 

Mattie looked at him. His square jaw was set as he pretended to concentrate on the road, but his icy blue eyes were a little resentful. She loved this man with all she had, and she also trusted him with all she had. When she had met him, she'd stopped hating her life. He'd helped her realize that she was a worthwhile person. But she knew that he had not been her first love. All through their fourteen years of marriage, Mattie had always known that if the circumstances had been different back in Castle Rock when she was a teenager, she probably wouldn't have ended up with Mark. If she hadn't let herself be so victimized, it was very likely that she would still be with Gordie Lachance. 

"Did you used to love him?" Rachel repeated.

__

Not used to. Still do. I never stopped, Mattie realized. Smiling forcedly at her daughter, she said, "I did, Rache, but he never knew."

"You never told him?"

"Well…I did," she said slowly, thinking about how she'd called out to him as he drove out of her life. "But I don't think he heard me."

"Good God, Mom, that's lame."

"Teenage love usually is," Mark said. 

Mattie looked sharply at him, but looked away. She shouldn't have discussed her old love life in front of him. She began to fiddle with the radio.

"So is the Gordie guy gonna be in Portland?" Rachel asked. "I wanna meet him. If I look like him, I'll know that you were lying about who my father really is."

"I'M your real father!" Mark exclaimed. 

"You guys do know I wasn't kidding about having to go to the bathroom, right?" Riley asked. 

"Mom, if he pees in the car, I'll chop him up in little chunks, and uh…flush him down the toilet," Elizabeth promised. 

"Yeah, how're you gonna do THAT, there's no TOILET," Riley shot back.

"Lizzybeth, where did you get your violent tendencies?" Mark wondered. 

"I found your stash of True Crime magazines."

"I knew it!" Mattie said victoriously. 

"I'm gonna do optopsis when I'm grown up!" Elizabeth announced. 

"Autopsies?" Mark grinned. "A hands-on girl! That's what I like to hear."

About an hour and a half later, after a rather tumultuous trip, of which the highlights included Riley getting locked in a bathroom stall and Elizabeth accidentally wondering into the men's room, the Brooks family arrived in Portland. 

****

Author's Note: If there were a lot of mistakes in that, I'm really sorry, but I'm posting it right after I've finished writing it. And thanks for all the reviews, guys, they're really sweet and they make my day! I'm sorry for the last chapter being sad, I didn't actually think it was that sad, so I'm sorry. Ohh, and I'm a Canadian, and so I know nothing about the state of Oregon, so if I say anything stupid in the future about Portland or something, just disregard it and blame it on my Canadian-ness. 


	26. Gordie and Mattie

It took Mark, AKA the master of getting lost and refusing to consult a map, a considerable amount of time to find the hotel. Around four PM, they finally found the Quality Inn, and paid for a room. After they had dumped their bags in their room, they looked for 786, Gordie's room. 

Knocking on the door, Mattie found herself grow more nervous than any woman of her age should grow. What would Gordie be like? Would he still look at her in that way that always used to give her goose bumps? What would she do if he did look at her that way?

A thin woman with shoulder length brown hair answered the door. She smiled, stepped out of the way, and shook Mattie's hand. "Mattie, right?"

"That's me," she said in a small voice. For the most part, she wasn't a shy person, but she was at the moment. 

"Nice to meet you. I'm Sarah. Gordon hasn't told me very much about you, so maybe we could talk about him together while he's gone?"

Grinning, Mattie said, "I'd like that very much, but I don't think I have anything bad to say about him." After she had introduced Sarah to Mark and her kids, she asked, "Where is Gordie?"

"Gordon took the kids out for a walk to get some Slurpees. They were driving me up the wall." Sarah smiled bashfully. "I hope you don't think I'm a bad mother."

"At least your kids get Slurpees," Riley said resentfully, never much one for keeping things from complete strangers. "MY mom made me eat BALOGNA. And then she laughed at me cause I had to crawl under the bathroom door cause I couldn't open it and it was mean and she doesn't ever get mad at my sister for being mean to me."

"You poor hard-done by child," Mattie said sarcastically. 

"Do you want some coffee?" Sarah offered. "Apparently they have coffee makers in hotel rooms."

"Jeez, I could use some coffee. Make mine black," Riley said.

Mattie laughed and put her hand on his head, and declined the coffee offer. 

Ten minutes of polite small talk passed. Mattie was beginning to get anxious. She just wanted to see Gordie, that's all, she didn't want to talk to his wife. As she realized the reason why Sarah annoyed her was because she was jealous, Mattie regretted even coming. 

At last, the door burst open and a boy about Elizabeth's age came in, sporting a big grin. "I beat Daddy," he announced, out of breath.

On his heels, a somewhat stocky boy came in, not looking as triumphant. "I really gotta go, hi everyone, I drank way too fast." He quickly maneuvered around people's legs and the strewn about suitcases and disappeared into the bathroom. 

Next, a tall skinny girl with soft brown hair and big doe-like eyes came in, followed finally by Gordie. 

Almost involuntarily, Mattie stood upon seeing him. 

"Oh, Gordon, your friend got here about fifteen minutes ago--" Sarah said unnecessarily.

"Wow--Mattie," Gordie said, his eyes large. "Uh…you're blond now."

She nodded, frozen in place. He looked so different. His hair was slightly receding, and he had filled out from being the string bean he used to be. But his eyes were still kind yet cautious and he still looked sensitive and shy. His looks may have changed, but she still felt her knees turn to jelly. She felt like that immature little girl with a crush that she hadn't been for twenty years. 

"Mama, you look like a fish," Riley pointed out helpfully. 

Hearing her son brought her out of her momentary daze. "Hi."

"Hi."

Mattie giggled, then covered her mouth and blushed. She was such a dork. She was acting like a ditzy schoolgirl. But she couldn't think of anything to say to him. 

"So, uh…" He was also looking quite flushed. "You brought the whole crew."

"Oh. Yeah," she said, wishing a hole would open up in the floor to swallow her up. "That's Rachel, and Elizabeth, and the short one staring at you is Riley. And this is my husband Mark."

Shaking hands like businessmen closing a deal, Gordie said, "Mattie said that you'd be working this weekend."

Mark shrugged. "I took time off to help her with the kids. I hope that's not a problem for you."

"Oh, no, why would it be? It's good to meet you." He turned his attention back to Mattie. "Um, well, you've already met Sarah, so I'll introduce you to the rest. This is my son Christopher and my daughter Mary. The boy who made a bee-line for the bathroom is David."

It was awkward for a moment as quiet overcame the small, cramped room, but then Elizabeth said calmly, "I sure hope that David character finishes peeing soon before I start to."

In unison, Mattie and Mark buried their faces in their hands.

"Come on," Rachel sighed. "I'll talk you back to our room before you embarrass anyone else. Hey, um, Mary. Do you want to come and walk around with us for awhile?"

Looking relieved, Mary, who was almost an exact replica of Gordie when he was younger except for her being a girl, followed along after them. 

Gordie smiled at each other after they'd watched their daughters walk off together. And both of them catching on to the smile, Mark and Sarah glanced at each other and then looked down at the floor.

"Mom, you look like a vampire!"

It was the next morning. Mattie raised her eyebrows at Riley. He'd wandered into the bathroom where she was finishing getting ready for the 9:00 AM service that morning. "So? Maybe I _am_ a vampire."

"Way to go!"

"Go back to sleep, buddy," she whispered. "It's too early for you. You were up way past your bedtime last night playing with Lizzy and Christopher and I don't want you being crabby all day."

"Dad kicks in his sleep. It's driving me _crazy_."

"Crawl into bed with your sisters then."

"That's just silly, Mama. They're girls." He crawled onto her lap as she tried to make her hair look less big and poofy. "Are you sad?"

Mattie looked down at her little boy. He was a handful much of the time, but he always surprised her with how closely he watched people and his knack of being able to tell what they were feeling. "Just a little, Riley."

"What for?"

She sighed, and set her brush down on the counter. "I had this friend once when I was just a little older than Rachel, and I had a fight with him the last time I ever saw him."

"Why didn't you say sorry?"

"Well, he died last week. And I'm feeling kinda sad for him."

"Oh," Riley said. With his hair sticking up in every direction and a contemplative look etched on his face, he looked like a junior crackpot psychiatrist. "I feel sad for him too. But he probably knows that you're sad and he doesn't even care that you fought with him cause he's in heaven now and everyone's in a good mood when they're in heaven."

Smiling deeply, she put her arms around him and squeezed. "Thanks baby. You know I love you right?"


	27. Service

Pulling into the crowded parking lot, Mattie suddenly realized how much of a place in the world Chris must have made for himself. So many people were there, everyone one of them missing him. Had he have passed away in high school…she knew that not many people would have wanted to show up.

As she was walking across the asphalt towards St. Thomas Catholic Church, Mattie checked her purse to make sure she had tucked some Kleenex in it. She looked down at her conservative black dress, and discovered that Riley had been telling the truth when he'd said she looked like a vampire. 

Suddenly, she spotted her brother walking alone about twenty feet away. She called out his name, and then jogged as gracefully as she could in high heels to him. 

"Mattie!" Sam exclaimed, and hugged her. It had been ages since they'd seen each other. Not twenty years, but quite awhile just the same. "What are you doing going blond?"

She laughed. "It's _not_ that bad."

"Nah." He grinned at her, releasing her from the brotherly embrace. "You look good."

"Thanks, so do you. I hate you for not gaining weight in your old age." 

Approaching the propped-open church doors, they waited for a man to go inside first, and then Sam leaned down and asked her quietly, "Have you seen Toby or Gordie?"

She nodded, then blessed herself with the holy water. "Gordie. And his family. Have you seen either of them?"

"Nope."

They took a seat in a middle pew. "So, uh, did you talk to Chris much before…um, yeah?" she asked uncomfortably. She tried not to glance to the front of the church, which was moderately decorated with lilies. It was an open-casket funeral. 

"Kind of." Sam was also carefully avoiding looking towards the altar. "I mean, we lived in the same city and everything, but it's not like we got together to go bowling every Thursday or anything."

"He and Toby were pretty happy together in the end?" 

"They always were," he replied, looking sad. "They had five kids, you know."

"Five?"

"The youngest is just about two and the oldest is fourteen."

"Oh, God, poor Toby," she murmured. 

"I think, after the funeral and stuff, Gordie's going to stay with her for awhile."

Feeling the heartbreak of Chris really being gone, Mattie just nodded in response. She was sorry she'd lost contact with him, and she was just as sorry for his wife. She could remember how much love Toby used to look at Chris with when they were still only teenagers; she couldn't even imagine how lonely Toby must have been feeling now that he was gone. 

Noticing Sam waving at someone, Mattie looked up to see who. She saw Gordie holding the hand of a small woman and leading her up to the front pew. A girl probably in her early teens, and a boy a little younger than the girl, were trailing behind, walking with her head down. It took Mattie a moment to register that the woman Gordie was with was Toby. She had always remembered Toby as being pretty. At first glance, she was just average --a few nice features and all, but if you didn't know her, she wasn't all that memorable looking. Once you started to talk to her, and she smiled or looked at you in this certain way she had, you would think she was beautiful. But now, she reminded Mattie of a doll. She looked presentable enough, but made up. She looked fragile. She just didn't look real. 

Once Gordie, Toby, the girl and the boy had sat down, Mattie said, "Pardon me if I sound rude, but is it just me or does Toby look--"

Sam looked over at his sister and shook his head. "Mattie, a part of her is gone now."

She looked down at her hands, and didn't say anything for awhile. Finally, she asked, "Are those her kids?"

"Yeah. I guess she didn't think the others were old enough to come to their father's funeral."

"Good," she said. "I always thought that it was awful that Dad made Will and Nick to come to Mom's funeral. They were too young."

"You have to be a certain age to come to your parent's funeral?" Sam said sarcastically. "Chris is as gone to Kate and Graham as he is to the other three younger ones so why shelter them from it?"

Mattie peered up at him. "Can we stop talking about Chris' kids now?"

Gordie did the eulogy. There weren't very many people not crying when he stepped down from the podium, and walked back to sit with Toby. The words he could come up with had always found a way of wrenching people's emotions. The way he held his cousin protectively while she cried showed that he felt his words too. 

__

"I've never told anyone this before. The summer I was twelve years old, Chris, me, and two of our friends set out into the woods At the end of the two-day trek, we found what we had been searching for: the body of a lost boy our age. By this point, so much had happened that we didn't even want the fame or glory or reward for finding the boy anymore. We'd grown up.

"The summer I was twelve years old, Chris, me, and two of our friends set out to be heroes in each other's eyes, and also in the eyes of everyone who thought that we were just kids that either didn't count for anything or kids that didn't even deserve a chance in life. It was just a weekend, but it changed me. I felt important for once, like I mattered and I was strong. That weekend, Chris really showed me who he was. I found out that he wasn't as tough as he wanted everyone to believe, but that he was stronger than anyone could have begun to imagine. He knew when to listen, and he knew the words that needed to be said. He was brave when it mattered, and he knew when to back down. He knew when he should act like my friend, and when he should act like a protector. I owe him a lot. 

"Of course, no one ever found out that we had recovered the body of Ray Brower, and we were not heroes in anyone's eyes now. But seeing Chris the way he was that weekend--seeing him put his arm over my shoulders as I cried and then looking away to let me know that he didn't think of me any differently, and seeing him as he cried about being hated and cheated…Seeing Chris that way showed me how much of a hero he was to begin with. 

"Chris Chambers was my best friend. I never told him that I loved him, but I did love him a lot. I never thanked him, but I should have. Even when life chewed him up and spat him out, he found a way to get up without any help and then turn around and be there for anyone who needed someone. He cared when no one else cared. He was always there for me when I felt like I didn't have a place anywhere. Chris never stopped believing in me even when I tried to convince everyone that I was a waste of time. Chris was one of those kids that no one cared about in our little town. No one held any high hopes for him, and they tried to trample his dreams when he tried to set them high for himself. They never succeeded though, because you can't break a hero. He went far in life, no matter how short his life was. Going from an abused child that no one really believed in to the successful man that he eventually showed us he could be wasn't easy for him. But he did it. You know he did it. Chris once thought that no one believed in him and no one cared what happened to him. You believe in him and care about him, don't you? All through his childhood, people tried to tell him that he didn't matter and that he didn't deserve a chance in life. But you miss him now and you think he got cheated out of life, don't you? Chris worked hard to show everyone the amazing person he was, and he did, didn't he? Because he was a hero, and he had more strength than I will ever know. Don't be sad that he's gone. Be grateful that you had the chance for him to touch your life."

****

[Author's note: Holy crap, that chapter took me *forever.* The eulogy alone took me over two hours. I listened to the Walk to Remember and Hope Floats soundtracks twice each while I was writing. Now my wrists are sore from typing so damn much. I just thought I'd share that with you :) Maybe I will get sympathy reviews? Nudge nudge wink wink ;) Thanks for reading if you did!]


	28. Belief

All through the day, Sam wished he could talk to Toby. He didn't know how, though. Someone was always coming up to her and offering their condolences, so why couldn't he do it?

The truth was, he still had feelings for her, unrequited as they always had been. He knew that it would always be that way of course. She was a heartbroken widow and he was a man trying to figure out a way to get his estranged wife of twelve years to come back home to him. But right now, Toby was just looking so lost and lonely, and in need of a friend. 

At the luncheon, he spotted her staring at the uneaten food on her plate and sitting alone at a table. She looked so tiny. He looked around for his sister, and saw that she was talking with Gordie. Big surprise there. Both he and Toby were both alone, so why not keep her company? 

Sam tossed his paper plate into a trashcan and approached her. She peered up at him tiredly, but smiled. "Sammy," she said quietly. "Come here." She reached out her arms and he accepted the hug. 

"Not hungry?" he asked, sitting on a chair next to her. 

She shrugged, reminding him of a little girl. "I ate a bun."

"That's a start." He smiled at her, even though just looking at her made his heart ache for her. 

Nodding, she rested her elbow on the table, and forced a smile. "So I see you rounded up your sister and got her to come here."

"Nah, Gordie was the one that called her." There was a plate piled with cookies and other desserts in the centre of the table, and he took one, feeling guilty for eating in front of her. "She wouldn't have missed out on this."

"She can miss out on his life but not his death?"

Lowering his head, he murmured, "Let's not discuss her, okay? She's here, isn't she?"

"She didn't even _know_ him," Toby said bitterly. 

"Chris touched a lot of people," Sam told her. "Obviously he touched her too if she came here."

"Not even a goodbye." She looked at him with rid-rimmed eyes. "She didn't even say goodbye when he and I left Castle Rock. There wasn't a single Christmas card, or a phone call, or a letter to say hi; nothing."

"Toby," he said. "You can't blame her for coming to Chris' funeral. She's just one more person that cared about him and misses him."

She nodded, but then placed her hand over her hand over her face, leaning into the table. 

"You okay?" he asked, with concern. 

Tears escaped, streaming down her face. She looked at him. "Nope."

He rested a hand on her shoulder. "You will be, Toby."

"I don't even know how to be anything without him, Sam," she whispered miserably. "Everything I had was nothing until I gave it to him, and now he's gone and he took everything I had with him…" She shuddered, and attempted to dry her tears. "I'm so damn alone now, I don't know what to do."

"You're not alone, Tobe, you've got a great family, and all these people that are your friends, and you've got Gordie--"

Toby silenced him with a particularly lifeless look. "You don't know how much I loved him."

"I don't think anyone did," Sam agreed.

"How could he--just _leave?_" she whimpered, breaking down in tears all over again. "Why would anyone want to hurt him? They never even thought that he might have someone to go home to that would rather die than never get to see him again--"

"Shh," Sam said, hugging her and stroking her hair. "You can't let yourself think those thoughts."

"I'm never going to get to touch him again and he's never going to look at me again or say I love you…" Toby pressed her face into the lapel of Sam's jacket. "Twenty-two years, Sammy, that's how long we loved each other for, how am I supposed to get by without that?"

"I don't know," he said honestly. "But you will, Toby, you've always been so strong."

"I was strong because I had Chris!" she cried tearfully. 

"Come on, give yourself some credit--"

"No, he believed in me and so I believed in myself! I was never scared of anything because I always knew that he would be there behind me. He thought that I was good and so I _was, _because there was just something so magical about him, you know? He made me see that I could be what I never thought I could be, and now there's _nothing_."

"I know that Chris was special, Toby, and that you've lost some of yourself, but he's not totally gone. He's still there in you. You're still strong."

"I'm going to have to try harder than I'm able to." She released herself from his hug.

"What?"

"To get through this, I'm going to have to be stronger than I am. I _will_ try though. I just don't know how much good it'll do."

"Chris wouldn't want you thinking like that," Sam reminded her. 

"I'm only thinking about him."

"I'm not saying you need to forget about him, but you need to focus on you and your family right now more than anything."

"I'm busy being selfish right now, thanks," she said, trying to laugh. Using the back of her hand, she rubbed at her eyes for a moment, and then stood up. "I'd better go find my kids to see how they're doing. Thanks so much for being here, Sam. You've always been a great friend."

He smirked. Before she turned to leave, he said, "Toby? Chris wasn't the only one who believed in you."

Looking ready to cry again, she smiled, touched. She thanked him and then walked away.

AN: I was crying as I wrote this chapter so I hope you enjoyed :)


	29. The hotel room

****

(AN: I feel like crap right at the moment, so if my writing's weak, blame whatever this mysterious illness is, as well as the large amount of ginger pop I've consumed, and don't flame me. Thank you kindly)

There was a lot of crying at the funeral. The finality and tragedy of Chris' death hit all of the mourners as his coffin was lowered into the ground. His children held onto each other's hands tightly as they each tossed a white rose into the ground.

Mattie didn't stick around for the second service. She had begun to cry when she watched Chris' son and daughter, both of whom resembled him strongly, burst into tears as the ground was filled in with earth, and Gordie had soundlessly taken her hand. But Toby had glanced at her briefly, and Mattie felt like the look had meant that Toby thought she had a lot of nerve to cry over a man she had known for eight months twenty years ago. She knew that Toby didn't really want her around, so after the burial, she drove back to the hotel.

Once she walked through the door, dumped her purse on a chair and kicked off her sent-by-the-devil shoes, Mattie immediately flopped down onto the nearest bed. 

"Mom," Riley said, climbing onto the bed with her. "Do you want my fries? I dropped them on the floor."

Mattie looked appraisingly at Mark. "You bought them McDonald's for supper?"

"This is our snack. We're going out for supper in a half hour," he replied, shrugging. "Want a McNugget?"

"No, that's fine, thank you."

"How did it all go?" he asked. 

"You didn't notice the dramatic way in which I collapsed on the bed?"

"Well, I did, but I thought that it was the shoes that made you do that."

She smiled to herself. "Them too."

"So it didn't go well?" 

"It went like any funeral goes," she said. "It was just sad."

"When I'm sad, I look at the shoelaces on my runners," Elizabeth offered. "They're black and yellow striped and they make me laugh."

"What if you're not wearing your runners?" Rachel asked. 

"Then I don't laugh." 

Riley poked Mattie in the side with a fry. "What do you do when you're sad?"

"What I'm doing right now," she told him. 

"What are you doing right now?"

"I'm being sad."

Mark took Rachel, Elizabeth and Riley out for pizza and a drive around Portland, saying they'd be back whenever one of them fell asleep.

Wearing one of Mark's University of Maine T-shirt over a pair of sweatpants, Mattie watched a rerun of Matlock. There was a knock at the door just as she was nodding off, and she got up to answer it. 

"Gordie," she said. "What are you doing here?"

"Just checking to see how you're doing," he replied, shrugging. "You didn't say why you weren't staying for the second service, and I was just checking to see if you were okay."

She smiled. "Thanks. I'm fine. You can come in if you want to."

He wanted to, and he did. "Why didn't you stay?"

"Uh…" She shrugged. "Felt like going home I guess. I didn't belong there."

He sat down on the corner of one of the unmade beds. "Did Toby have anything to do with that?"

"She had a part," she admitted, surprised at how natural making conversation with Gordie felt. "It was mostly me feeling guilty for missing out on all of your lives, but yeah, I kinda got the feeling that Toby didn't think I should be there."

"She didn't mean to make you feel bad, but you have no idea what she's feeling right now."

Mattie nodded. "I know I don't." She sat next to him. "What you said about Chris today, Gordie…it really was beautiful. It made me feel really lonely."

"Why lonely?"

"I'm not sure," she said. "I think because you were describing this amazing guy that I'll never get to know again."

He smiled, gently and hesitantly. "You never did know him, Mattie. You passed up that chance years ago."

Looking up at him, she said, "I passed up a lot of chances."

Gordie looked surprised at the sudden change in her voice. He looked at her, but said nothing. 

"The last time I actually saw Chris, we got into this big argument about how selfish I was being about you. At the time, I was really pissed, but as soon as he left I realized how stupidly right he was." She met his eyes. "I'm sorry you never knew how much I loved you, Gordie."

"Oh, come on, Mattie, we were just kids back then," he said, as if sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds aren't capable of the emotion of love. 

"Yeah, we were just kids, but I know how we felt when we were together," she said. "There was a time when I would've died for you."

Gordie stared at her. Even with the laugh lines and crows feet and blond hair, she was the same old Mattie that had been the first girl he'd ever loved. He knew that she was right about how he'd felt back in 1965. He had loved her to the point where it had been painful, and he would've died for her too given the opportunity. He knew that he was a hell of a lot older than he had been then, and he was very married to someone else now, but when he looked at her he still felt like a seventeen-year-old boy. 

"I never stopped thinking about you. And I think if I had been so stupid and immature about what happened, we might even still be together," she said. 

"You weren't stupid," he told her. "You were just unreachable. That made it hard to keep the relationship going."

"It was my fault, Gordie," she said firmly. "It was my fault about how bad I feel right now, so please don't make up excuses."

He put his hand over hers, and they looked at each other, both of them remembering exactly the thoughts and feelings they'd had right before they'd kissed for the first time. 

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah. I want you to stay." She looked down at the floor. "So you'd better go."


	30. Goodbye

[AN: This chapter also isn't very good. _This _time my problem is that I sprained my wrist snowboarding and so typing takes some effort. This is the last chapter, so I'm sorry for leaving you with half-assed writing.]

When she woke up in the morning and felt Mark's cold feet against her legs, Mattie could tell that today would be the last time she'd probably see Gordie. Glancing over at her husband and feeling safe because his hand was lightly resting on hers, a wave of self-loathing washed over her for a moment. This man lying next to her had provided a life for her. Gordie was just an old boyfriend. She should not be missing him. But she was and always would. 

She felt totally unfaithful. Sure, she hadn't acted on any of her thoughts about Gordie, but wasn't this how affairs started? 

She didn't have a chance to think about her worries of infidelity because there was a knock at the door. Careful not to disturb either Riley or Mark as she crawled off the bed, she tiptoed around the suitcases and quietly cracked open the door to her hotel room. 

Gordie was there again. He looked young with the new morning's light behind him. Smiling, he whispered, "Looking good, Mattie."

Grinning back, she slipped outside, the cement cold on her bare feet. "You like the bleary eyed, hair-sticking-up-in-every-possible-direction look?"

"Of course." They began to walk, no destination in mind. "So, uh, me and Sarah and the kids are going to be leaving pretty soon. I'm coming back this weekend to stay with Toby, but I just wanted to, um…I know it's early but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to you."

"Yeah, we did that whole not saying goodbye thing before and it resulted in a twenty-year absence."

"Can we please not do that again?" he asked. 

"Do what?"

"Lose touch." He looked at her seriously. "I know we screwed up back then, and it cost us a relationship, and if it weren't for that maybe we would've stayed together. But we didn't, and that sucks, and I still think you're beautiful but we both got ourselves different lives that don't have anything to do with each other. But you were my friend before you were my anything else, and you were a damn good friend, Mattie--I've always missed your friendship. So now that we know what we missed out on, why couldn't we be friends again?"

"Wow, that was quite a speech, did you rehearse that?" she teased, but when he gave her a helpless look, she shrugged. "Because we can't, Gordie."

That hadn't been the answer he was hoping for. "Why not?"

She lowered her voice, as if scared to be overheard. "Because when I look at you now, Gordie, I still feel like the same sixteen-year-old that fell for you, and I know you feel the same way because I've seen some of the looks you've given me. But I've got this amazing family, and so do you--and you're right--our lives have nothing to do with each other. I don't _want _to lose you again, but I don't trust myself with you and I don't want to screw up what I've got right now."

He fell quiet. "So after today I won't see you again?" he asked after awhile.

"Maybe you will, maybe you won't," she said. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Gordie."

Gordie nodded solemnly. Mattie felt horrible. She'd just hurt a thirty-seven year old man's feelings. Suddenly, he blurted, "I miss Chris."

Peering up at him, she said, "I know you do, Gordie."

"You and him and Toby are what I loved the most from my growing up years. All of you helped me grow up. But now I don't have anyone left. You're all gone."

"You still have Toby." It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that he still had her too, but she knew she could not be there for him without crossing the line.

Gordie ran a hand through his hair. "No," he muttered. "I don't even have her. You should see her, Mattie--"

"I did see her, at the funeral. She's in rough shape, but she's going to pull through--"

"No, I mean, _really _see her. I've known her all my life and she is not the same Toby. Her heart isn't just broken; it's totally shattered. I don't know how she's going to make it with a heart like that."

"You're giving up on her?" Mattie asked incredulously. One thing she always remembered about Gordie was how close he and his cousin were. Even when they pretended to hate each other, you could tell how much they secretly adored each other. She couldn't believe that he was just going to let her alone to wallow in her grief like this just because he believed that she couldn't pull herself together. 

"I'd never give up on her," he snapped. "But I'm not a miracle-worker. I can't just snap my fingers and make her stop being the way she is. There is nothing I can do, Mattie. Toby has given up on herself, and I can't change that."

"Will she be okay?"

Mattie didn't like how dangerously tearful his voice sounded. "I don't think so, Mattie," he said honestly. "I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose her. It would be worse than lonely. I don't think there's really a word for life without her. She's always been a part of my life and I can't even imagine what it would be like." 

"She told me once how she thought that I was brave but I thought that I was just scared," she murmured. "I know she doesn't want to talk to me, but will you tell her that not having Chris there to protect her like he always has is scary, but she amazes me with how incredibly brave she is?"

"Of course I will."

She smiled, sadly and painfully. "I'd better go back to my room."

"Okay."

Stretching up, she kissed him quickly on the cheek and started to walk away, leaving him with that same old smile.

Gordie watched her. She was still like an angel to him, with streaks of sunrise falling on her like a natural halo. And that smile reminded him how much he was going to be missing her.

Throwing a look over her shoulder and smiling brightly, she said, "I'll call you."


End file.
